You think you know me...

So you think you know me. Well hold on, you have no idea who I am. I am not the same person, I was 6 weeks ago. Hell, I'm not the same person, I was 6 days ago.

I'm jaded, and will be the first to admit it.

I've asked questions only to get no answers, or worse to be made to feel stupid for asking them.

My prioritys have shifted, and although I care what the outside world thinks, I care what I and my family think more.

I've lost "friends" and made new ones.

I've never cheated on my husband, although, I've thought about it a time or two.

(So has he, and if your honest with yourself so have you!)

I"m not a nag.

I'm a work in progress, who's I'm not sure.

I wonder if it's better to stand in the sand and let it shift around you or to stand on a rock, but never make any progress? (Forwards or backwards.)

I wonder how such "educated" people can be such idiots. (Not all, but a fair amount.)

I wonder if I'm an idiot for not being more educated?

I wonder how to handle ignorance twords Mike and my family.

I wonder if I'm a good enough wife?

I wonder if I'm a good enough mother?

I wonder if my voice is loud enough, or is it to loud?

I wonder if, if I'm honest with myself or believing a lie?

I wonder why, I am blessed? cursed? or just given the opertunity to raise a "special needs" child?

I wonder why I can write all this down, but not verbalize it?

I wonder why I am, not unhappy, but certainly not happy with the way I look?

I wonder what I would look like with purple highlights in my hair?

I wonder why the "sinners" have more fun?

I wonder if I've become a "sinner"? (Using the term loosely.)

I wonder what I would do with two normal children?

I wonder if I'm the reason Mike was born early? (I mean, if I had....)

I wonder what I'm to do with the rest of my life?

How am I going to be remembered?

What are people going to think about the life I've lived?

Do I care?

Should I care?

My prayer these days, "Lord let me live one day longer than Mike. Let him know that we his parents are always here for him. Let me not put Greg on a back burnner. "

Be it wrong or right, I wonder why the "outside" world not only accepts Mike (and therefore the rest of our family) but does things to make his attending easier, while the "religious" have a hard time with his handicaps? Not Mike as a person, but the use of a walker, the lack of communication, and the stigma surrounding handicaps in general. They are afraid to ask questions, and therefor seem indifferent about him, a serious turn off for me. At one time I was very active in church. I'm not sure really why, but I felt like it was something I had to do to be a "good" christian. These days, not so much.

Know what, I'm kinda ok with that at the moment.

I wonder, does that make me a back sliden heathen?

I wonder why I'm back to the should I care question?

The last day of school...

Today is the last day of school for this year.  With this day comes a number of changes.  

Mike will move into a different class next year, with different students.  I have requested that one class mate join him in the new class, and I'm sure others will too, but it's still going to be a big change this fall. Greg will be joining Mike in school next fall.  He will be going into the class Mike is leaving.  

I have really enjoyed Miss. Paula and her class staff.  They have treated Mike with respect, and let him grow into the little boy he is.  They have guided his development, and been open and honest with Bob and I.  They have always given me the ability to contact them with any concerns.  For that I am and will ever be greatful.  I hope others are as lucky as I have been to find teachers and school staff that put the children first.  

This is my public Thank you to Miss. Paula, Miss. Deanna, Miss. Heather, and Kay Davis, both Susans, the other Kay, Bob, Dave, and the theropists.  Your work to make Mikes education fun, and practical, means more to me than words could ever say.  

THANK YOU!!!

Today...

Today has been a good day and a sad day all in one. This morning Tammie, Bob, Greg and I (along with a number of other proud parents, grandparents, and siblings) went to the awards ceremony at Carelton School.  The gym was done up in red, white and blue.  It was really nice.  Upon walking into the gym, there where bleachers, and a chair with a photo of a little boy (12 yrs. ols) and a fern next to the photo.  This stoped me in my tracks because this is the same little boy who was at Childrens Hospital for an infection.  Before starting the cermonie, Kay Davis, had the unfortinate job of informing us that this child died last week.  He was medically fragle, non verbal, and used a wheelchair for motivating around the school.  Dispite all this, or maybe because of all this, he was a happy child who, although, nonverbal, could melt your heart with a smile.  You had no choice but to smile back, no matter how bad your day was going.  I only had the pleasure of meeting this young man twice, but...  

Today brought it home for me.  Our children are medically different. No matter how much I want Mike to be like all the other children, Mike is different.  This is not an easy thing to think, much less put into words on a public forum.  Will he ever go to a "normal" public school?  I have no idea.  He has to pure a spirit, I fear for his emotional well being.  I fear for the day he realizes that someone has rejected him, because of his differences.  I know it will happen, and I will be the one to comfort him.  I'm his mom, how could I not?

This combined with the struggles I've been having lately about weither we did the right thing, by doing everything medically nessacarey to keep him alive.  Lets just say that it makes for  an internal battle that I don't have the ability to win, although, I will continue to fight.