I don't know...

You would think only so much can go wrong 
Calamity only strikes once  (Yah, right)
And you assume that this one has suffered her share 
Life will be kinder from here 

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years 
Sometimes the sky rains night after night 
When will it clear 
But our hope endures the worst of conditions (Does it?)
It's more than our optimism 
Let the earth quake 
Our hope is unchanged (Is mine?)

How do we comprehend peace within pain 
Our joy at a good man's wake 
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn 
With illness but she marches on 

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years 
Sometimes the sky rains night after night 
When will it clear 
But our hope endures the worst of conditions 
It's more than our optimism 
Let the earth quake 
Our hope is unchanged 

Emanuel, God is with us 
El Shaddai, all sufficient 
Emanuel, God is with us 
El Shaddai, all sufficient 
Emanuel, God is with us 
El Shaddai, all sufficient 

We never walk alone 
This is our hope 
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions 
It's more than our optimism 
let the earth quake 
let the earth quake 
let the earth quake 
Our hope is unchanged

Natalie Grant Our Hope Endures Lyrics

Total honesty here....UM where to start.  

First I love this song but am unsure if I feel this way. 

Understand, I know Jesus is the son of God.  I know He died on the cross and rose 3 days later for my sins.  Understand that I don't have a problem with that.  My issue isn't with God, although to the outsider it may seem that way.  My problem is with ME!!!  I know these things but for the past while (6 months or so we'll say), although I know this and am thankful.  I have to say "Do I care?"

Do I care that Christ died for me?  Yah, I care that He did it, I'm uncomfortable with the idea that He had to die for my sins. What a waste of His life, to die for me. 

Am I really honestly looking for a relationship with Him?  No, in this regards it feels like EVERY time I draw closer to Him my life just falls apart.  Whatever I'm praying for blows up in my face.  So I don't want to draw closer to Him because I'm sick of things going to hell in a handbasket. (If you want more explanation I'd be glad to give it to you, just ask.)  It feels like I'm messing with a pit bull, trying to pet it only to get my hand bit over and over again.

Do I want to change my outlook on this?  NO!  Like I said, I'm tired of my life fallling apart.  I did talk with a friend about this, a few weeks back, and she said that, "once my relationship with God is back on track, all the other relationships would fall back into place."  That may be true, it may not.  Either way, frankly, I don't care.  

This being said, my outlook on life right now does effect EVERY relationship I am in.  I have a VERY pissy attitude at the moment.  Again, frankly I don't give a damn.  (About anything, or anybody.) Totally NOT the me people are use to seeing and dealing with.  

Does anyone care?  Probably

Will anyone say anything? Probably not.  

Am I ok with that?  UM, no, but that is the reality I live in.  Life is so much less complicated when you don't get invovled with others.  Wouldn't you agree!