Answers...

Paul: No one cares? Really?
So is it the time you spend? Is it that it is constant? Help me to understand a bit.

It feels as if no one cares. I feel as if no one understands, or tries to understand, the constant struggle we have in dealing with even the simplist tasks with Mike. It's both the time and the fact that it's ALL THE TIME!!! It's the small things like having him walk around outside, and the bigger things like potty training, using a untensal properly, or bigger things yet, like schedualling all the different doctors apointments, and making sure he gets the medications he needs when he needs them. It's the looks when we go out to eat and he uses his hands, or we go to the pool and he uses his walker. It's the comments people say, "don't play with him, you'll catch what he has", "I'm glad I'm not like him". (Yes, I've heard both from ADULTS!!!)

Christi: It's hard to believe you could actually feel that way, much less post it. I guess we all need an outlet, but to repeat what Paul said, "No one cares? Really?" Not being judgemental here. Every parent gets stressed. But this seems like more.

Why is it so hard to believe I could feel this way? I'm not the "super woman" people think I am. My blog, and my life are open if people want to look at them. The problem is most people don't really want to look at them. They are satisfied by the "me" on the outside, and don't go any deeper than that. I try to be transparent. I ask honest questions, and give honest answers.

It is more, I know that. I was reciently diagnosed Bi-polar. We are in the middle of working out MY meds. I was (mentally) normal before kids. Post pardaum after Mike and it's steadly spiraled after Greg. Stress, is an understatement. I live in a constant state of stressed out. Some days are better than others, but the day I wrote the previous blog was a bad day. Thus the comment 'Recently Bob asked me if I would feel this way if we had two "normal" children? My answer then as well as now is "Yes." I love my kids, because that's what a "good mother" does, but I find them to be an ancore that I can't get rid of.' The hormonal imbalance that pregnancy caused in my body is agraviating at best and emotionally devistating at worst. Thus, my ancore. I will never mentally be the same as I was pre-pregnancy, and I not only morn for my son's (both of them) and their lost "normal" childhoods, but for my own losses (mentally & emotionally).

Janni: When I see Thea I see:

One of the most interesting and talented people I know. She is a creative soul with a great eye for seeing the beauty around her and creating from that inspiration.

Creative out of necessaty. You can't just go out and purchase the bulk of stuff that will make Mikes life easier, and by defalt mine.

A young woman with determination
and grit and enough gumption( yes I used the word gumption) to fight for what she believes in.

If I don't fight, no one else will. I can't ask others to get their hands dirty unless I'm willing to do the same. The bulk of the population is not willing or interested in getting involved in the things that will make Mikes life better.

She believes in fighting for the underdog and doing the right thing even when it may not be the best thing for herself. This is called valor, a most honorable and admirable quality

Mike IS the underdog, always will be. So, again, I have no choice but to fight. I just get so tired of having to fight for EVERYTHING! I wish things came as easily for him as they do for other children. But they don't. Therefore, I fight.

Thea is an individual struggling in a difficult world to define herself. You will find in life that your individuality changes not by the day or week but by the hour and the experiences that come with living. Every life is a work in progress.

I'm tired of struggling. I just want to be done. I'm tired of being a work in progress. Even if that means that I am no longer breathing. I just want to be done. Would I kill myself, no, but if I where to die in a car crash or while I was asleep, I wouldn't mind. It would be fitting to die in pain, since the past few yrs. of my life have been lived in them.

Thea is a GOOD person and that is what God wants us to aspire to, he does not expect perfection. God just needs to know we are all out there slugging away at being GOOD people.

How good a person wishes she would just die? To leave everything and everyone she loves behind to try and pick up the peices? How good a person, screams at her children because they AREN'T able to do something? (not that they don't want to do it, but physically can't.) How good a person, wants to walk away from her family and friends, to never be seen or heard from again?

Bob is the husband of and Michael and Gregory are the sons of Thea.

We all love you Thea and we do all care and we can talk any time.

I know that I am loved, regardless of my emotions, but to talk, out loud, about this is to raw. It moves me to tears just typing it. I could never get through a conversaiton.

Janni

So there you have it, good, bad or indifferent, those are my answers. My struggles are my own, and they make up who I am, but damn it!!! I am tired of everything being a struggle!!! I will never have the opertunity to just send Mike off to school, I'm the only one who will make sure he gets the therapys he needs while he's there. I will never have the opertunity for Greg to be a "normal" child. He's always going to be know as the boy who's brother is a cripple. I will never have the opertunity to just sit back and relax at the ball field and watch my sons play ball, or at the playground, watch them play on the swing w/o assistance, or go down a slide. Things that people take for granted.

Interesting that not one of you, or anyone else said a word about my relatinship with my husband. I don't want to screw him over like that, but to say I haven't thought long and hard about it would be a lie. Like I said, something has to change and change soon, or that will be my only option.

Interesting indeed. To answer your unasked question, "Would I actually leave my husband?" I don't know. Do I want to? No, but... Again, I'm tired! I'm ready for someone else to take over for a while.