I'm jaded, and will be the first to admit it.
I've asked questions only to get no answers, or worse to be made to feel stupid for asking them.
My prioritys have shifted, and although I care what the outside world thinks, I care what I and my family think more.
I've lost "friends" and made new ones.
I've never cheated on my husband, although, I've thought about it a time or two.
(So has he, and if your honest with yourself so have you!)
I"m not a nag.
I'm a work in progress, who's I'm not sure.
I wonder if it's better to stand in the sand and let it shift around you or to stand on a rock, but never make any progress? (Forwards or backwards.)
I wonder how such "educated" people can be such idiots. (Not all, but a fair amount.)
I wonder if I'm an idiot for not being more educated?
I wonder how to handle ignorance twords Mike and my family.
I wonder if I'm a good enough wife?
I wonder if I'm a good enough mother?
I wonder if my voice is loud enough, or is it to loud?
I wonder if, if I'm honest with myself or believing a lie?
I wonder why, I am blessed? cursed? or just given the opertunity to raise a "special needs" child?
I wonder why I can write all this down, but not verbalize it?
I wonder why I am, not unhappy, but certainly not happy with the way I look?
I wonder what I would look like with purple highlights in my hair?
I wonder why the "sinners" have more fun?
I wonder if I've become a "sinner"? (Using the term loosely.)
I wonder what I would do with two normal children?
I wonder if I'm the reason Mike was born early? (I mean, if I had....)
I wonder what I'm to do with the rest of my life?
How am I going to be remembered?
What are people going to think about the life I've lived?
Do I care?
Should I care?
My prayer these days, "Lord let me live one day longer than Mike. Let him know that we his parents are always here for him. Let me not put Greg on a back burnner. "
Be it wrong or right, I wonder why the "outside" world not only accepts Mike (and therefore the rest of our family) but does things to make his attending easier, while the "religious" have a hard time with his handicaps? Not Mike as a person, but the use of a walker, the lack of communication, and the stigma surrounding handicaps in general. They are afraid to ask questions, and therefor seem indifferent about him, a serious turn off for me. At one time I was very active in church. I'm not sure really why, but I felt like it was something I had to do to be a "good" christian. These days, not so much.
Know what, I'm kinda ok with that at the moment.
I wonder, does that make me a back sliden heathen?
I wonder why I'm back to the should I care question?
