Twilight..

What a book.

I loved it and am so glad that I didn't see it befor reading it.  I devoured this book in less than 24 hours.  I'm actually going to read it again just to make sure I didn't miss anything, before starting on the next one.  Thankfully, my neice has the series so I don't have to stop in the middle of it (like with Harry Potter, another great series.)  Seriously, if you enjoy reading, Iwould really recomded both the Potter series and Twilight.  I'll let you know about the rest of the series as I get there.  

FYI: Twilight is about a vampire so if the undead don't interest you, you most likely won't like this book.  However I loved it because I have always had a facination with Vampires, Faries, Wiches and the like.  

What was I thinking?

come on school bus.  I can't take anymore of the fighting between my two boys.  I feel like I am ALWAYS playing ref, and I hate it.  CANT THEY GET ALONG FOR TWO MINUTES?  It's days like this that make me wonder why I had two, and am I really crazy enough to want more?  Today, no, no more, and I'd gladly pay someone to take the two I have.  UGH, oh well, I have em and can't send them back.  

tran⋅si⋅tion

Tran-si-tion: 

1. movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change So why is my life in transition?   Becasue I can't decided what to do with it?   Because I have a "special needs" child?   Because I....OH I DON'T KNOW!!! I said I would keep you updated with my transition, but as of late, I have been pretty stagnent.

:)

I'm not a looser!!!! WoHo!!!!! 

It was a confusion on the date.  Both yesterday and next Wed where discussed and I wrote down one day and they the other.  Yah!!! People do love me, and think I'm worth the drive.  

:(

I'm sad.  No one showed.

I had planned to have a few friends from church over with their kids to make cookies today.  It was planned weeks ago, and I sent out an e-mail on Monday to remind and invite some I may have forgotten, and only 1 person said they couldn't come.  Not one person showed up at my house this morning.  NOT ONE...  No calls, no e-mails, nothing.  So I'm sad.  

Oh well, I know I live in the middle of nowhere.  I was just hoping that I was worth the drive to hang out with.  I had some great crafts planned for the kids.  Like I said Oh-well.     

I'm adicted

Ok, I've been a slacker here.  Life has been busy, we've all been sick.  (What a difference drugs make.)  Also, I have discovered FACEBOOK.  So yah, umm... I'm adicted (to facebook, not drugs).  I have "chatted" with people I havn't seen in 10 years or more.  Wow!!! That is so cool.  I've been able to keep up with old friends from high school, very cool.  I've tried to tell Bob that I'm not adicted, but he sees straight through it.  He knows the truth.

On a different note it is amazing to me how many of my friends are still single.  The question becomes how to intrduce them to one another.  They are all over the country, but mainly in SC, and Ohio.  

UGH

UGH!!! what more can I say?  The kids are driving me CRAZY.  The dog stinks.  Just a rotten day all the way around.  Oh, well tomarrow will be better.  Although I am really sick of seeing "after Thanksgiving day sale" commercials.  

disconeced

do you ever feel disconected from the "world".  I do more and more.  Maybe it's because I live so far from everything I do?  Maybe I am to rapped up in my children?  (Is that really possable?)  Or maybe the people that I used to hang out with and myself have just chosen different paths?  I really don't know.  All I know is I miss the closeness my friends and I used to have.  I miss getting together to play cards, hang out, watch movies and the like.  I wonder if living in Athens is really that big of a deal, I mean sure I would be closer to Bob's job and church, but what about friends?Are they really worth it if they arn't willing to travel to see you?  I am not worth it if I'm not willing to travel to see them?  What would I be giving up to be "closer to everything"?  Do I really want to fight with the Athens school district?  Honestly, if I had my choice I would live in Wood county.  They have a better mr/dd system  La sigh.  But then I would still be "away" from church and Bob's job.  I'm sure there are others out there who like to do the same things as I do, so please post here and I will respond.  

spiders v.s. lady bugs

Spiders vs. lady bugs...

Let us start with the cute little bugs first.  

The lady bugs that infest my house every fall and have for the past 7 years.  (Don't plagues run in 7 year time periods?)  

They bite, they stink, and they are EVERYWHERE...

OK now on to the eight legged freaks.  (sorry I don't like spiders.)

Outside they are fine if I don't see them.  

Come to think of it, my house has it's fair share of spiders too.  HUM...

So what's the deal?

Why if I walk up my stairs to go into my house do I walk through about 4 spiderwebs and a million of those stupid lady bugs. 

Why don't the lady bugs get stuck in the spider webs? 

Are the spiders on strike or looking for big game (a.k.a. ME!)

WHY I ASK WHY???

Dorsal Rhizotomy (RIz-ot-omy)

I'm thinking of doing something that may totally change the way Mike is able to function.  There is a surgery that sounds amazing, a dorsal rhizotomy.  I have done a lot of resurch on the subject, and have talked ever so breifly with his top physican about it.  Dr. K said he would be a good canadate.  This is something that Bob and I have talked about in the past, so I am going to bring it back up to him, and talk with Dr. Wapner, and with his PT and OT and see what they think.  Please pray for us to make the right decision.  (I am not rushing into this, we have discused it off and on for the past 6 months.) It could totally change Mike, but it would be his sixth surgery.  The last one was in Feb. 2005.  Any surgery is scary, but this one is on the spinal cords themselves.  NOT an area to be tampered with lightly.  It would be done in St. Lewis, at the Childrens Hospital there.  They are the most experienced at it.  I'll keep you all updated as time progresses.  Also, nothing would happen till next summer, at the earliest.  There are that many doc's to talk with, insurance companys to talk with, and apointments to make.  Ugh, let the battles begin...  

UM!!!

Home toasted pumkin seeds UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Getting old sucks

high blood pressure, pre-menopausal symptoms, thyroid problems, arthritis in the knees, blood work....Wow what a week.   UGH!!!  Getting old sucks. 

Wow

Obma nailed the debate tonight.  McCain seemed a bit off.  

Am I enough?

Am I enough?

Enough of a parent to raise well behaved children? (Depends on the day.)

Enough of a child to raise happy children? (I believe so.)

Enough of a mother to raise more than my own children? (I'm not sure.) 

Enough of a wife to make my husband happy? (Yes!)

Enough of myself to not loose myself in the title of mother or wife? (Agian, unsure.)

Enough of a "christian" to make the world wonder what I have and desire it? (Probably not!)

Enough of a joyful person to make those around me happy?  (?)

Serious enough to hold deep conversations with?  (Depends on the person.)

It recently occured to me that I have 5 really good friends.  Friends I call on when my life is falling apart.  People I really try to stay in contact with.  Am I enough of a person to have that many close friends?  The average woman has only two or three that she can call close friends.  More aquantiances of course, but not "friends" as I mean it here.  So I come back to the question, Am I enough?  I guess only time will tell.

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Date night tonight.  Dinner and a movie without toys, or kids.  What more can I say?  Woho seems to cover it.

10,20,or life?

Marriage:  Hah! What a joke.  The "religous" would like to believe that they have this thing cornered.  Unfortianatly, the divorce rate amoung "christians" is as high or higher than that of the world around us.  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If we are to be the salt of the world, we are truely lacking.

Bob and I said early on that divorce would never come into our vocabulary and 10 years later we are still plucking away at it.  Looking around me I have seen so many marriages fail, most between 10 and 20 years that subconsiously, I am a bit fearful of the next ten years.  Although my inlaws split up after 27 years, so that is a concern. 

Oh well, Bob and I agree there is nothing that we can't work through.  Why don't more people try to work things out?  In the long run it is the kids who end up getting screwed.  If adults want to mess up their lives be my guest but once you have kids, I feel, that your prioritys should shift to what's best for them, and then you.  (A taboo, among Americans, but it's my blog, so I'll write how I feel.)   

Now understand that if you or your children are in danger by all means leave.  I don't support being in any type of abusive relationship, but if you can't agree over the color to paint the walls, that's just stupid.  I look around and see to many times that people are getting divorced over silly or sometimes down right stupid things, and I have to wonder why even get married in the first place?  

Our life for the past month...

Well another school year has begun for Bob and Mike. So what has been going on in my world for the past month? Well, like I said the "boys" are back in school. I've been reserching schools, WMU and WVU are both really good, crazy as it sounds WVU is actually a harder school to get into than WMU. I'm really torn because I'm scared to move but know it could be a great, but I'm comfortable here. (Comfort can be a scary thing.)

What else, well Bob and I went to a fostercare information meeting. It was interesting, and sad. So many kids get so screwed by their parents and then the system, then their folks again. What a shame. I wonder if, well, if Bob and I could make a difference in anyone's life? Is is possable, for two people to make a difference in the world?

We went to the "membership" class at Central. The major thing that I remember is they wanted to know what moves me. It was interesting, what moves me? Kids move me, the social breakdown of the family moves me. The lack of careing from so many moves me. I look around me and see so much suffering, so many people, not just kids, end up hurt.

On a more positive note: Mike turned 4 yesterday. Wow, 4 years ago he was a green little boy in a NICU. Today he is a happy little boy who is on the go all the time. In a twin bed, and just amazing. He is growing up so fast, and I know that he is growing up "slower" than other children, but to me it just seems crazy fast. Actually on the 5th of Sept. 2004, he was fairly healthy, but during the month he just started to go down hill. But theres no need to dwell on that, he's a crazy busy little boy now days.

Well that's whats been going on in our neck of the woods. Goodnight one and all.

Home sweet home...

Michigan was great.

Monday was a chill out day for Bob and the boys and I went to Kalamazoo and did geneology with my brother. We took my mom out to lunch and had an enjoyable enough time. Then they left me at the court house and did stuff. I was gone for about 12 hours. It was great.

Tuesday we went to a "Childrens Museum" in Grand Rapids. Althouth the drive was uncomfortable, it was worth it. Great chineese from a street vender, and the "museum" was amazing. I'm not sure who had more fun the "adults" or the "kids".

Wednesday late morning, early afternoon, we took the boys to the beach. It was great. Greg loved the water, Mike not so much. That afternoon our bonfire was rained out. Oh-well that's the way of it.

Thursday was a kick back and relax day. Bob and dad took the canoe out to make sure it wouldn't sink, and they went up the Pentwater river a ways. It was the first time Bob had ever canoed. (I've been canoeing since I was like 10 or something.) We had a great bonfire that night. The boys loved picking up downed limbs to go in the wood pile.

Friday is a day I won't soon forget. Bob and I took the canoe out. We learned so valuable lessions. Two cheifs in a canoe is a bad thing, keep your nose in the waves, don't turn sideways in waves that are as tall as your canoe, stuff like that. We also saw a Bald Egale in the wild. There are two breading pairs that live off Pentwater Lake and we we're blessed to see one of them in flight. What a sight. Truely a bird that doesn't belong in captivity.

Saturday was a LONG driving day. I was beat so Bob ended up doing the bulk of the driving.

76 degrees

Just an update on our trip in Michigan. We arrived on Friday, went to my youngest brothers wedding yesterday, and am chilling out today. The weather has been wonderful. Today is 76 degrees, with a bright blue sky. Bob is out shooting with my dad, and the boys are playing in the house. I'm reading another book, and loving every minute of it. The only way it could be better is if we where sleeping in our own bed. But we have our pillows from home. Just wanted to tell ya that we love ya and although I love it here.... My "family" is there.

ratteling around in my head...

Oh the questions that rattle around in my head...
in no perticular order.

1. boflex vs. going to the gym?
2. which school to go to ?
3. what's up with my hubby?
4. why are men so difficult to understand?
5. are my brothers crazy, or am I, or are all 3 of us?
6. what to do in MI for a week?
7. how to do it cheaply?
8. am I doing all I can to help improve our situations, cash? Mike? Schooling? Greg? you know the little stuff. HAHA.
9. have I been there when my friends have needed me?
10. when I die what will people say of me?

Ok now my reasons for these questions. Lets start with the easy ones. 10,9,6,7,5, and 4.

10. I hope it's good. Frankly, I'll be dead so I won't know. If you have anything important to say to me you better do it while I'm still around.

9. I've tried. For some it's easier to be there than for others. But I have tried.

5. Although crazy runs in our family, I think that we all have good heads on our shoulders. My youngest brother who is 23 is getting married on Aug. 2. in MI. hence questions 6 and 7. My middle brother is doing well for himself and I wouldn't be surprised if he's married in the next few years.

6 and 7 just require reserch and a good budget.

4. Men... and they say we are difficult. HA! Actually, Bob and I are doing really well, but in general I don't get the Male sex. They are a bit odd.

Ok now for the toughies.

1. bowflex vs gym. This is really a matter of time and cost. I spend 3 hours a week at the gym plus the hour round trip to get there and the 7.00 in gas per round trip. Also the membership itself cost 4o.oo a month. So lets see, gas=21.00/week, or 84.00/month + 40.00/month in membership. Or stay at home gas0= 0, work out on my schedual, and put that 40.00/ month twords paying off the bowflex, then Bob could work out too.
thinking about it though it is more than just time and cost. I like to get out of the house, I enjoy talking with Mark while I'm at the gym. (He and I are really good friends and since we don't go to church together anymore that's the only time I really get to talk with him.) I enjoy the time not distracted by all the stuff around me that I need to get done.

2. Which school to go to? This is actually not as difficult as it seems, I'm going to go to the one that I can do the most stuff online at. My goal is to have or almost have my Doctoral degree by the time I'm 40. For those of you who don't know I'm going into OT. I'm planning on starting next fall. So 3 degrees in 9 years, I can do it, I'll be busting my butt, but I can do it.

3. Bob? Well actually, things are really good with Bob and I. No major problems, some minor ones that really arn't his fault or mine, just the way outside things influance or relationship. I just wish things where clearer sometimes. Which way to go... But our communication is good so we talk about everthing, I'm sure as doors open and close our way will become clearer.

8. Kids and our situations...
Well, we have Greg who is fearless, so how to keep him safe without taking his bravery away? Does Greg need the same things as Mike? Are we giving him everything he needs to become a strong, Godly man? Are we shorting him in anyway, because we focus so much time and energy on Mike?
Mike, who has a mind of his own. How to make sure he's getting the best education, the best therapys, the best medical care, and still enjoying being a little boy. All the while Bob and I enjoying him. I think we are doing a good job, but I know there are better situations out there for him than what we are able to provide for him here in Meigs County Ohio. So the question becomes how can I make Meigs County Ohio better for Mike and others like him.

Ok now I'm going to climb on my soap box.

That my dear friends is not an easy task.... One I am willing to take on, but not really because I want to, but because I know it's right, and frankly am sick of waiting for someone else to step up. It's not fair that Mike and others like him don't have the same opertunitys that "normal" kids have. They don't no matter what you may hear.
When people look at Mike or other children with a disability, they don't see the child, they see the disability. Some disabiltys are easier to spot. Mike for instance uses a rather large walker, or a child with Downsyndrom is somewhat "deformed" looking. Stop for a moment and look past that to the child within, we want for our kids the same as you. A GOOD education, college, a family, independant living. But we have to be creative in the ways our children get there. It may take longer than the "normal" 18-25 years, but most of our children can get there.

Ok enough ranting for one day.

These are just a few of the questions that are rolling around in my head at any given moment. Some are more pressing than others, and some are closer to my hart than others.

We're better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow what a rotten few days there. Thankfully, we all made it through, and are looking forward to this week. We are still home bound till Tuesday at the earliest. But we all lived through what ever it was that was causing havic around here. Bob and Mike never cought it and to make sure they don't I'm spending this week disinfecting our house. I want to make sure that whatever attacked my body doesn't get the chance to go after Bob, Greg or Mike. I know I sound like I'm whinning, but if you only knew how close I was to having Bob take me to the ER.

Anyway... We're better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

being sick sucks...

Ugh, being sick sucks. Greg has a bug (in a more litteral sense than I would like to admit) and I have a 24 hour thing that knocked me out of commission for about 36 hours. It was just this afternoon that I started feeling human again. Yesterday, I slept for about 20 hours.

All for the glory of God...

Fire pink, Indigo Bunnting, and snowy pink. Just a few of Gods more wonderful things. Others on the list could include Stella Roses smile, Mikes couriousity, Gregs laugh, Mayas questions, Lydias shyness, and the recent enjoyment of nature I've discovered. (I also discovered that mud is difficult to get out of tennis shoes, but that's a different story.) Take a moment, and really look around you, what wonderful things has God put in your life that you have taken for granted? For me it's all about the small stuff right now. The moments with my family, the joy in serving, the clover I drive by every time I go up my drive. A lizard made me laugh today. Take the time to laugh. Take time to talk, but listen too.

On a different and much sadder note...

A friends husband died, very suddenly, today, and they don't even know weither he was saved or not. How do you cope with that? What can be said to encourage the family? What words should be avoided at all costs? I don't know, but want to send my condolances. I wasn't very close to him, but she and I tought Sunday school together.

I have noticed...

I have noticed that I talk a lot on my blog about my self insurcuritys and my kids. That is because those are the things that weigh the most on my mind. My relationships with my friends, family and God are all in good shape. My blog is a reflextion of me.

Mike....

This has been a crazy week. The days went by so fast. The week has flown by. Yesterday, Mike, Greg, Nessa, Brette and myself went to the waterpark in Marietta. It is a must for those of us who LOVE waterparks. The zero grade is awsome. Mike was able to take his walker down the zero grade and ended up out so deep he had to look up to keep his face above the water. His walker was totally under water. He went it walker, socks, braces, shoes the whole nine yards. (I got permission from all the DME people and the life gaurds at the aquatic center.) What a blast, a place where he is able to be himself, play with kids his age, and show what he can do. I am so proud of him. He truely is an amazing kid.

On a different note, Greg is a chicken. We finally got him in the water, and he warmed up to it eventually, but I don't know how he can be my son and such a chicken at the same time. Oh-well, I love him anyway. He'll grow out of it so I should enjoy his clinginess while I have it.

I can't wait to take Mike back. It is a blast.

I am that person...

So ok yesterday was a poor poor pitiful me day. Today is a better day.

I am that woman. I am brave, strong, and loud at times. I am that woman, the one who fights with passion, it's just that my passions have changed. I no longer fight for this or that. I pick my battles, probably letting some slide that I should jump into, but I will fight to the end for my faith, family, and those I hold dear to my heart. I am that woman, I can laugh with the best of them, cry without shame, and love like theres no tomorrow.

I AM MY HUSBANDS BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!
I AM A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR MY CHILDREN!!!!

I am that woman, my spelling sucks, I have laugh lines around my mouth, and know how to look good when I want but know how to relax and have fun too.

That being said there are some things I would still like to do with my life.

I want more children, and to use my resorces to help others. I want to go back to school for OT. I would like to have my Masters by the time I'm 40. (10 years should be enough time.) I want to make strong friendships with those around me, be used of God (perferably in a place w/o spiders) and grow in my faith. So that's my self reflextion for today.

Thankyou Paul for what you said this morning to me in the nursery. I needed to hear that.

Am I happy?

So Bob and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary last week.
This morning he asked me Am I happy?

With my children?-Yes
With my husband?-Yes
With my house?-No
With my life?-Not really, but I don't know why?
With my self?- Depends on the day

What do I want?-

I want more kids.
I want to do something with my life that will impact my community, and its future.
I want my home to be a place of safty and refuge to those who need it.
I want to be someone people can call on when they have problems and need help.
I want to be smarter, funnier, sexier, more serious (with out loosing my ability to play).
I want to be my husbands best friend, my kids mentor, someone they can look up too.
I want to be... what? What do I want to be?

When I was a child, I had a grand plan to be a fighter piolet, untill I had to get glasses. I was fearless, the first up a tree, and the highest climber. There was no jump I wouldn't try on my bike, and I would fight with a passion for what I believed in, and for my friends. What happened to that girl? She was beautiful. Did she "grow up" or shrink away? (Do I want to leave her alone or try to bring her back, she had a temper, and was loud and rude sometimes, but smiled more and didn't carry the weight of the world on her shoulders.)

I want to be brave, strong, courageous, tough, and look damn good doing it.

As a general rule, I am happy with my life. I sometimes wonder what if...

What if I never moved to Pentwater? I would have never meet Bob.
What if I never married Bob? I have no idea.
What if I never got pregnent? No kids doesn't sound so bad some days, others they are a laugh a minute.
What if we had chosen to let Mike die instead of doing all we could to keep him alive? I would have missed out on a blessing like no other. A challange yes, but a blessing just the same.

Those are my big what-ifs.

So am I happy? I have no idea lets table it for now and come back to it in a few weeks.

Almost Heaven...

So I am in Pentwater Michigan. The weather is wonderful. 60 degrees outside right now and a bright blue sky. The lakes are glorious to look at. The lilacs are still out up here, and the geese and swans have their young out on the water, and my young are sleeping on the floor next to me.
I think this is as close to heaven as you can get without kicking the bucket. Although Bob is not here with me, and that makes me sad:( I've filled my week with taking the kids to parks, and just letting them run around and be children. It's great. All to soon though I will be on the road with them picking up Bob from the airport, and back in Ohio. Don't get me wrong, I love the people, and things where we live, but if it was all magically moved to North West Michigan, I wouldn't complain at all.
Gotta run, the boys are waking up.

Thea

Lost my grandma... Please help!

Ok so I am in Michigan, and decided that I was going to visit my grandma. But I lost her. Bob and I've looked everyplace and she is no where to be found. We've spent hours walking around, looking for her, but she has up and vanished. I even called my dad and asked where the last place he visited her was, but he just laughed and said it had been to long since he had visited her, he would have no idea where to look. Finally Bob and I found her. Right where she was the last time I visited her. Between Q and R, up on a hill, right next to my grandpa and his parents. In the cemetary.
I lost my grandma in 1993. She was a great woman, had a hart of gold, and would do anything to help you out. Atleast that's what I remember, I was 15 when she past, so I may have had a bit of a slant at the way I looked at things, but that is ok. She was my grandma. The woman I strive to be like daily.

Home?

Home.... interesting....
Where is home? Is home a physical locatioin? Or a place made up of the people you love?
Is Ohio my "home" or is Kalamazoo? Portage? No not Portage. In Portage I have a place to crash, but I wouldn't call it a home in the warm fuzzy sense of the word. Although if home is a place made up of the people I love, then anywhere could be home. I can make my home in any state as long as the people I care about and love support me. I think it would have to be a northern state, because I miss sledding and building snow men and the like. I also like the "look" of winter, you know snow drapped trees, big gray clouds in the sky, the smell of snow. Yes, it really dose have a smell, but you won't experience it unless you spend a lot of time in it, it's a very elusive sent. Just thoughts about where I want to make my home. There are others, But they are more worldly, and I don't feel like thinking about the financal, ect. right now.

The wonderlust bug...

As I sit here writting this, the house is totally quiet except for the ticking of two different clocks. Of course these clocks are ticking at different tones and intervals, weird. I am sitting at my grandmothers in Michigan, and watching the sun rise hit the trees on the field outside her dinningroom window. I must admit that whenever I come "home", I feel a strong desire to pack up and move back to SW Michigan. (Anywhere, from Battle Creek West and from Grand Rapids south to the Indiana line.)
Crazy some would say, it's cold and theres a lot of snow in the winter time, I would agree, and that's why I moved to South Carolina as soon as I was old enough. But I've had enough of the heat (hence us living in Ohio), and I miss my family. This past winter we came up here and where able to take the kids sledding (I mean really sledding!!!) Not something Ohio winters are able to provide as a general rule.
Don't get me wrong, I love where we live. We go to a good church, have a lot of cool friends, and some not so cool. Live in a wonderful house, with lots of room for the kids to run aroud. Mike has done great in school this year, and I am really looking forward to him going back next year. Our doctors and Theropists are great, and I don't know if I could find a better team of people to work with him.
But I have again, been bitten by the wonderlust bug.

France and Egypt...

Ok so I said I would elaborate on the trip to France only to end up in Egypt.

Here goes, try to keep up, it may be a bit confusing.

So I got pregnent= Wooohoo I'm going to France.
28 weeks of pregnancy= learning a new language, buying a new wardrobe, reading all the guide books and stuff that goes along with planning a trip.
Delivery Day 28 weeks 6 days into my pregnancy= What the fuck.... I've landed in Egypt, hot, dry, and damn scary. Not what I spent the past 28 weeks resurching, and learning about. Great! Now I have to learn a new language, and all the cloths are wrong, and what about all the cool stuff I was going to see and do in France? I'll never get to that stuff now.

If I dwell on never making it to France (AKA a normal pregnancy and delivery and child) I will never see the cool stuff in Egypt (AKA where I am now). I'll miss all the perimids, the cool people, the sights. Sure learning a new language is difficult, but if I never learn the language how can I communicate with others in Egypt? And there are a lot of others in Egypt.

Ok so that's that. Not mine originally, but I heard it and thought it was a great example of how to explain how I feel when it comes to what's going on in my world.

Oh and by the way. Mike just came up and said "kiss" then puckered up and leaned in so I could kiss him. Yet another thing to be excited about. (Another thing to see/do in Egypt.)

Thank God that's over....

Ok so Mikes IEP was today. (IEP= indiviual education plan) I always stress about doing it. Always!!! I get depressed, and angry, and moody because it's a constant reminder that the "normal" child I wanted isn't there. (It's a lot like planning a trip to France, only to land in Egypt. I'll elaborate more on a different blog post sometime. Just think about it for now.)

It's difficult to think about the goals you want to set for your child for the next year. You want to make them attainable without being to easy, not an easy thing to do. Thankfully we have an amazing team of people working with Mike right now. They are open to my ideas, and are always glad to share ideas with me about tweaking things to play on his strengths. His teacher is wonderful. His aid is amazing. The theropists are so open and honest, and positive. (Which is good because it's hard for me to remain positive at times.) I am thankful for the situation we are in right now. I realize it could change in a hartbeat, but right now in this moment, life is good. AND I am thankful that I'm done with IEP's for another six months to a year.

Two things in life....

"Two things in life are certain, taxes and death."
-I have no idea who said this, and don't want to look it up right now.

So the question is what happens to our kids say we kick the bucket before they are 18? I went to a future planning for children with special needs seminar this past weekend and it was VERY informative, and a real eye opener. Every parent, regardless if you have a special needs child or not, should have your affairs in order. Arrangements made with a funeral director, a will, a general durable power of attorny, a medical durable power of attorny, a living will (different than a regular will), and a letter of intent. (and all of it should be updated every 5 years at the most.)

For me these questions are what keep me up at night.

Who will get my boys should Bob and I pass?
I have a number of people in mind, but Mike has a medical condition that requires a lot of doctors apts. and only one person has ever even asked how Mikes braces go on. He will always have CP and the family who we trust our kids with will have to deal with that for the rest of his and their lives. (That's a big thing to deal with.)

How will my boys be raised?
Things happen and a two parent family isn't always possable, but I want my boys to have both a mom and a dad, if Bob and I should bite the big one. I'm not putting down divorcies or the like, but boys need a father. (As they get older, they need their father more and their mother less.) Our boys are strong willed and need a family who can deal with them.

Other kids in the house?
Other kids are not a necisity, but if they are there how do they and our boys get along? Are they a lot older than our two or not? How are they treated? Would they be ok with the addition of two brothers? How do they relate to each other and their parents? (Respectful? Rude? Polite? Scared?)

Religion?
This may be petty for some, but for me it is important. I want my boys to be brought up in a household that is God fearing, and attends church on a regular basis. I want to know that my boys are being cared for in a Godly home.

Who will be the primary care giver?
Again, petty for some, but not for me. I want a family who is dedicated to the family as a unit. Not two parents and a gagal of kids all going in different directions all the time. Everyone (even Bob and I) take a break from the kids and go out without them, but I don't want them raised by a nanny.

And last but not least....
Although the grandparents would be good at this, they have already raised their kids. It's their turn to be the grandparents. I would however make sure that whoever we leave our kids with understands that the grandparents are allowed to visit (when convienent) and as often as possable. Grandparents have a special roll in a childs life and vise versa, and I wouldn't want to take that from either Mike or Greg or any of our parents.

So there you have it. The questions I ask myself, the things that keep me up, or wake me up in the middle of the night.
The reason I take my Saturday and go to things like that, knowledge is power. And in this regard I want all the power I can have because in the end I'll have no say. I'll be gone, and I need to make sure while I can that my kids are taken care of.

So what about you? Have you thought about this? What are you doing to make sure your kids are taken care of?

Wow, not a lot....

Wow, not a lot has been going on here lately. Thankfully, this semester is almost over for Bob. 1 exam left. Then he has a break then we all travel to N.D. for a week. What am I suppost to do with the boys while he's in classes? I don't know but I will think of something. Then he has NO classes this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can actually have a life again. Unfortanitally with the close of the semester for Bob also comes the end of the year for Pre-school for Mike. What am I going to do with two little ones during the summer? A lot of time spent at the pool, and playing outside. I'm sad that Mikes school year is coming to an end. He has grown so much this past year. He is doing so well. I wonder what the summer will hold for him. I hope he doesn't plato over the summer. As with everything else for him, only time will tell.

OK: I'm going to use this to my advantage. I have some prayer requests that I am going to put out there, if you pray cool, if you don't it's between you and God. I'll never know.

1. Bob's last exam.
2. Traveling with two little ones, by car, to North Dakota.
3. Jassilines safty. (Shes like my sister and she's in the Navy on the Lincon.)
4. My sister in laws pregnent, safty for her and the baby, and a smooth delivery.
5. A friend, who will remain nameless, is pregnent and having some complications.
(NO IT'S NOT ME....)
6. That I will be a better stewerd of the little bit God has given me.
(Time, money, friendships, ect.)
7. GREG. I love him, but he's VERY strong willed and I don't know how to train him in a manner that doesn't crush him or break every wooden spoon in our house.

That's it for now. I'll let you know as things progress.

Thanks, Thea

What about you?

This morning Bob and I where driving in Athens and listening to 91.3, nothing new for him, but I don't really listen to it. Anyway, they do this thing on Fridays where common everyday people talk with common every day people. Today this girl was talking with her grandfather (who is 90). First of all I can't imagin being 90. She was asking him about his life. He said some interesting things.
He said his father couldn't understand him, because he wasn't a farmer like the rest of his family. His brother followed in their fathers footsteps, but he couldn't have, "to save his life" as he put it. They talked about her grandma (who has passed away), it was sad to hear a 90 year old man cry about loosing the love of his life. She asked him why he loved her grandma so and he said, "I don't know, I just do". They had been married 70 years. 70 YEARS....... That is amazing to me. I can't imagin what I will be like when I am 90. When I am 90, if Bob or I are still around, we'll have been married 70 years. They closed the mini interview by him saying to her that her grandma and him NEVER followed in anyone elses shoes and neither should she.

What a blessing to hear this man tell his grand daughter that. It makes me wonder am I blazing my own trails? Or following in someone elses path? What about you?

Be careful what you ask for...

Ok, I'm going to confess. I have repetadly asked Got to either change Bob's heart or change mine when it comes to having (adopting) more kids. BUT IT BACKFIRED!!! Instead of Bob mentioning adoption or fostering, I have become more content with just my two. This is not what I planned. I thought God would surely see things my way:) Boy was I wrong. I have talked about this to a number of different friends and they all (EVERYONE) said...
1. Bob is thinking about the added stress it would bring to the family. Financially and emotionally.
2. He's in school right now and can't handle another thing on his plate at the moment.
3. When/ if the time is right you will both know, and it may be that the time will never be right for another one or two or three or four.
4. And this is the one that kills me!!!! I'll pray for you! For me? Why not for Bob? Well, duh, it's because this is my idea and I am the one who needs Gods gidance.

All that to say, I should know by now to be careful what I ask for. And thank you to all my friends who prayed for ME in this situation. Once again, I was trying to get infront of God and my husband instead of sitting back and letting them take the lead. Thanks, for not telling me I'm crazy (I already know it, it runs in my family) or saying that I should go against Bob and start the process by myself, or really critizing me at all. Again, thank you!!

I'm 30

So I am now 30. Funny I don't feel any different (except for my knee). An interesting thing happened to me at the end of last week. Greg and I where playing "what's that", a game where he askes (repededly) what's that, and I or Bob or any adult that happens to be around answers him. Well, he asked what's that, while hitting my knee, and I answered knee while touching it, and discovered that I could push in on my kneecap. (Never a good thing.) I left it at that on Thursday night, but Friday morning I couldn't get on my knees to change a diaper so I called my doctor, and at the apt. he drained 8cc's of fluid off my knee. It was really interesting to watch. So after a weekend of not doing much, I am now wearing a knee brace, there is still fluid on my right knee. So if you see me limping around that's why.

I'm 30

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever have a day when you just arn't in a good mood? Well that has been me today. I'm just feeling pissy. The kids are driveing me nuts............... Well really just Greg. He is being a monster. He is SO strong willed. I have no idea how to break him and get him to behave. Spanking doesn't work, time out doesn't work, seperating him from the rest of the family doesn't do anything but make him madder which in turn causes him to SCREAM for an insain amount of time. (He's been crying for a 1/2 hour straight, and not showing signs of stoping any time soon.) Twice today I've had to lay him in his bed, shut his door and take Miike outside just so I didn't start screamin at him. He's about to drive me nuts. (It doesn't help that he woke me up at 5:30 this morning, and I didn't get a chance to take a nap like the boys did.) Thank God for mood meds. I'm afraid I would be totally out of my mind with out them.

Good night.

Oh and does anyone know how I can get my hands on some thorsine? Or anything else I can give him to shut him up.

I gave up

I did it yeasterday.
I gave up.
I gave up on being upset with myself for not carrying Mike to full term.
I nailed it to the cross.
Dead center,
two forceful thumps,
and now its there with God.
I no longer have the right be mad at myself.
Jesus took that to the cross with him.
I no longer have to listen to Satan telling me it was my fault.
If I only....
If I only what?
Sorry Satan, never again, gave it to GOD, that's the end.
Mike is my son,
I gave birth to him,
but GOD new him in my womb.
He is my child,
I am responsable for him while he is here with me,
but before he was mine,
he was Gods.
After he looses Bob and I,
he will still have God.
In the end that's all that matteres.

Where to go from here?
Biology I think is out. Advacacy is in. I'm being lead in a differnt direction and that's ok. I'll go there, not only for my son but for others like him. I'm willing to change my future to make his (and hopefully others) better. I'm willing to listen, talk and scream when needed. I'm willing to come off strong willed and relentless, to further his education in and out of the classroom. Yes I AM THAT MOM... The mom you don't want to talk down too. The mom you want to work with Because I will not back down on services for him and otheres. The mom that relizes that it is a partnership, between the system and myself, and I'll be flexable, BUT I will not be a push over.

I AM THAT MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired....

Ok, so I had an interesting experience yesterday. It's not the first time,or the last I'm sure, but I'm always surprised at how it affects me. I would hope to be over it by now, but I guess not. (note: I am not placing blame on anyone for anything.)

So the boys and I where at Ginas yesterday afternoon, our kids love to play together. Stephen, Patricia and Greg all went running outside to play. Well, Mike just lost it. He was upset that they had left him in the house. I had to put his braces on, which takes time, and then get his walker out of the car and set up, which takes time. Needless to say 10 minutes later, Mike is ready to join the rest of the kids. The kids didn't realize that Mike was upset, and I'm not mad at anyone (but myself, but that's a different story), I just thought I would be over the emotional rollercoster that goes with having a "special" child after almost 4 years. I don't know why I'm posting this....

I'm tired of fighting..

I'm tired of haveing to fight with insurance companys to get services that doctors say he needs.

I'm tired of fighting with my father in law about trying to do what's best for Mike and not for him.

I'm tired of explaining whats "wrong" with Mike to others. Who's to say theres not something wrong with the rest of us and he's "normal". (Note: I DO NOT mind answering questions, especially from those who really want to know, but those who don't give a damn and are just being noseie really piss me off.)

I'm tired of people looking down on him or looking at me with pitty. I love my son and am proud of him, and every accomplishment he has made.

Most of all I'm tired of being mad at myself for not being able to carry him full term. Unless you've delivered early, you have NO IDEA of how I am feeling so please don't tell me you do. I know you mean well, and I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but you don't know, you never will.

So there you go. A blog is a public diary, and this is a common entry in my privet diary, so I fiqured I would put it out there for the rest of the world.

You know, when I delivered Mike, a number of ladys I went/go to church with where pregnent. We where all due within a few months of each other. I actually thanked God that I was the one that went early. Others had only a certain amount of maternity leave, or other children at home. I was able to stay with Mike the whole 10 weeks he was at the hospital. He was my only focus.

Am I still thankful that this happened to me? Honestly, yes, even with the emotional bagage. I've made some AMAZING friends, meet some AMAZING doctors and support staff, been able to witness (both with words and actions) to more people than I can count, and most importantly, no matter how tired I am I have an AMAZING son.

Man it's hard to type through tears:(

The week in review...

So my week in review. (I love nap time:)

Last week Bob took a test so my focus was on giving him time to study.
Then Greg got sick.
I didn't get to the gym as often as I would have liked, still working on that Damn Girl body. (For those of you who don't know I've been working out for a month now, and am happy with the results I've been seeing.)
Greg was better over the weekend, so we went to church on Sunday.
Church was interesting and gave me a lot to think about. (refer to previous blog)
Greg got sick again, he must be teething or something:(
I made it to the gym this morning, and then home and then back to Athens for speech therapy.

Coming up...
Wed. Mike has school and I will be going on the feild trip with him. Bowling and then to McDonalds. It should be interesting. 20 preschoolers bowling:) I'm a bit scared. (Greg is going too.)

Thurs. Athens at the butt crack of dawn to work out then to Pomeroy to get cleaned up and then to Marietta for physical therapy. Back to Athens to pick Greg up, but wait, this week I have a meeting Thurs. night so we are staying in Athens all afternoon. SCRAPBOOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fri. A normal day but that evening SJW and I are going to Columbus. Didn't get the hotel I wanted:( I hope the one I did get is ok. Leaving the kids and hubbys home. Everyone needs a night out. I'm not sure what we are going to get into that evening, but I think we will do some shoping on Sat. before coming home.

Sat. I need to get to the gym sometime.... Other than that who knows....

Will you? Will I?

The sermon this morning set my mind to thinking...
Will I (really) devor the "Word of GOD"?
Will I accept the good with the bad?
Will I take it to heart, word for word?
Will I spend the time needed to meditate on scripture?
If it was important to Jesus it should be important to me, BUT is it?
What if I don't like what it shows me about myself? About a friend? About a family member? How will I respond to it?
What changes in my life will it create? Will I like the changes? (I'm pretty happy with the way my life is right now.)
Will others like the changes it produces or think I'm being a jerk?
The YABUT factor is way up right now and the answers are all in here, I'm just a bit of a chicken.

Looking back....Looking ahead......

From time to time I look back from where I have come to where I am. It helps put where I want to get to in focus. Looking back I was a self centered teen and although physically ready to be married at 20, mentally, I still had a lot of growing up to do. There was no way I could have handled Mike and his disabilitys at 23, when I really wanted to be pregnent. I'm not sure I did that great at 26, but I did the best I could. It gets easier as time goes on. I think I may have rushed into getting pregnent with Greg, but wouldn't trade either of them for anything. So that being said, where do I go from here? I'm happy (for the most part) with two kids. I love my husband and sons more than words can say.

These are my issues right now...
Why do I want to go back to school?
What's my motivation?
Is it to honor God or to make myself more important?
Does it matter to my kids at 2 am if the mommy they cry out for is a geneticist or just plane old Thea?
Will it matter as they get older?
As I get older?

(OK so I'm not so in focus yet!) Any input, from anyone, on this would be helpful. Thanks.

I've been paying attention....

Ok, heres proof that I've been paying attention in church. Last night I had a dream I was being crucified, but they couldn't drop the cross into the hole untill the angry mob gathered. As I was being led to the cross, which oddly enough was placed in the middle of the kids garden at the east state st. park, I was asked to renounce my beliefe in God, and I would be let go. Not doing it, I was given a straw hat (to keep the sun out of my eyes) that was lined with thorns to wear, and was strung up. All my "church friends" where rounded up to see me killed, and like I said there was an angry mob too. (I know I have weird dreams, way to vivid. This is why I can't watch horor movies.) There was more detail, but.......

HAHAHAHA

Ha, Bob is 30 and I am still 29!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love ya honey.

My lifes dreams...

I thought I had my lives dreams worked out. I "am" going back to college this fall for Biology. But then why did I take Greg to Burger King on Tuesday? You see I have always had a desire for more children. (Bob is not on the same page as me here. One of the few things we disagree about.) I can not physically have any more, but that doesn't stop me from wanting them.

So Greg and I went to Burger King on Tuesday so he could play in the play land. While there, these two little girls (ages 7 and 5) where all over him. It was very cute. Their older brother (age 8) was interested in him too, but was rapped up in the slide. I got to talking with their "grandmother" and she told me that these 3 children where in foster care and going up for adoption later this year, along with their younger brother (under a yr. old). Their mother and father hadn't been in to visit with them since the fall, and although the family they are with now really enjoys them they aren't able to adopt all the kids. This set my mind to thinking wouldn't it be great if we could adopt them. Our house is big enough to hold 6 kids. I had always wanted 6 (like I said Bob is happy with two). I know it's not a rational thing to want to take on someone elses family, but frankly I don't care. The reality for these kids is that the youngest boy and MAYBE the girls will be lucky enough to get adopted but for B..., being a boy, and being 8 yrs. old it is unlikely.

Looking on the ODJF state website there are SO MANY children in the state needing a home. What would happen if everyone who was able, took just one child out of the foster care system?

A thought to leave you with today....
In 100 years no one will care about the car you drove, or what your house was like but how you lived your life. What is it you want people to say about you when you kick the bucket? For me I want them to say I was a good and loyal friend, wife and mother. Honestly the rest is just details.

MY HOUSE

My house is not perfect, don't eat off the floor.
My house is not perfect, quiet only between the hours of 9 pm - 7 am. Other than that two young children make a ton of noise.
My house is not perfect, our furniture is old.
My house is not perfect, I'm a busy person, so it may be cluttered at times
My house is my home, it is where I can be me, I can relax, I can realize my dreams.
My house is my sanctuary, it reflects me. I can snuggle up with my sons in the living room, or snuggle up with a good book in the bath.
All in all, I am pretty happy with my house. I wish it was closer to all the stuff I do and people I hang out with but as far as the "place I lay my head". I'm happy with it.

What to do...

What to do what to do. There are days I just don't know what to do those are the days I pull the covers back up over my head and wonder what I would do without God, my family and my friends. Thankfully those days are few and far between.

balme

I blame my recent interst in blogging on Serena. She is the one who introduced me to it. I am warning you all now my spelling is rotten. I have to laugh at it though. I'll be 30 in a few weeks and I can't spell to save my life. Oh well, there are more important things in the world.