Be careful what you ask for...

Ok, I'm going to confess. I have repetadly asked Got to either change Bob's heart or change mine when it comes to having (adopting) more kids. BUT IT BACKFIRED!!! Instead of Bob mentioning adoption or fostering, I have become more content with just my two. This is not what I planned. I thought God would surely see things my way:) Boy was I wrong. I have talked about this to a number of different friends and they all (EVERYONE) said...
1. Bob is thinking about the added stress it would bring to the family. Financially and emotionally.
2. He's in school right now and can't handle another thing on his plate at the moment.
3. When/ if the time is right you will both know, and it may be that the time will never be right for another one or two or three or four.
4. And this is the one that kills me!!!! I'll pray for you! For me? Why not for Bob? Well, duh, it's because this is my idea and I am the one who needs Gods gidance.

All that to say, I should know by now to be careful what I ask for. And thank you to all my friends who prayed for ME in this situation. Once again, I was trying to get infront of God and my husband instead of sitting back and letting them take the lead. Thanks, for not telling me I'm crazy (I already know it, it runs in my family) or saying that I should go against Bob and start the process by myself, or really critizing me at all. Again, thank you!!

I'm 30

So I am now 30. Funny I don't feel any different (except for my knee). An interesting thing happened to me at the end of last week. Greg and I where playing "what's that", a game where he askes (repededly) what's that, and I or Bob or any adult that happens to be around answers him. Well, he asked what's that, while hitting my knee, and I answered knee while touching it, and discovered that I could push in on my kneecap. (Never a good thing.) I left it at that on Thursday night, but Friday morning I couldn't get on my knees to change a diaper so I called my doctor, and at the apt. he drained 8cc's of fluid off my knee. It was really interesting to watch. So after a weekend of not doing much, I am now wearing a knee brace, there is still fluid on my right knee. So if you see me limping around that's why.

I'm 30

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever have a day when you just arn't in a good mood? Well that has been me today. I'm just feeling pissy. The kids are driveing me nuts............... Well really just Greg. He is being a monster. He is SO strong willed. I have no idea how to break him and get him to behave. Spanking doesn't work, time out doesn't work, seperating him from the rest of the family doesn't do anything but make him madder which in turn causes him to SCREAM for an insain amount of time. (He's been crying for a 1/2 hour straight, and not showing signs of stoping any time soon.) Twice today I've had to lay him in his bed, shut his door and take Miike outside just so I didn't start screamin at him. He's about to drive me nuts. (It doesn't help that he woke me up at 5:30 this morning, and I didn't get a chance to take a nap like the boys did.) Thank God for mood meds. I'm afraid I would be totally out of my mind with out them.

Good night.

Oh and does anyone know how I can get my hands on some thorsine? Or anything else I can give him to shut him up.

I gave up

I did it yeasterday.
I gave up.
I gave up on being upset with myself for not carrying Mike to full term.
I nailed it to the cross.
Dead center,
two forceful thumps,
and now its there with God.
I no longer have the right be mad at myself.
Jesus took that to the cross with him.
I no longer have to listen to Satan telling me it was my fault.
If I only....
If I only what?
Sorry Satan, never again, gave it to GOD, that's the end.
Mike is my son,
I gave birth to him,
but GOD new him in my womb.
He is my child,
I am responsable for him while he is here with me,
but before he was mine,
he was Gods.
After he looses Bob and I,
he will still have God.
In the end that's all that matteres.

Where to go from here?
Biology I think is out. Advacacy is in. I'm being lead in a differnt direction and that's ok. I'll go there, not only for my son but for others like him. I'm willing to change my future to make his (and hopefully others) better. I'm willing to listen, talk and scream when needed. I'm willing to come off strong willed and relentless, to further his education in and out of the classroom. Yes I AM THAT MOM... The mom you don't want to talk down too. The mom you want to work with Because I will not back down on services for him and otheres. The mom that relizes that it is a partnership, between the system and myself, and I'll be flexable, BUT I will not be a push over.

I AM THAT MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired....

Ok, so I had an interesting experience yesterday. It's not the first time,or the last I'm sure, but I'm always surprised at how it affects me. I would hope to be over it by now, but I guess not. (note: I am not placing blame on anyone for anything.)

So the boys and I where at Ginas yesterday afternoon, our kids love to play together. Stephen, Patricia and Greg all went running outside to play. Well, Mike just lost it. He was upset that they had left him in the house. I had to put his braces on, which takes time, and then get his walker out of the car and set up, which takes time. Needless to say 10 minutes later, Mike is ready to join the rest of the kids. The kids didn't realize that Mike was upset, and I'm not mad at anyone (but myself, but that's a different story), I just thought I would be over the emotional rollercoster that goes with having a "special" child after almost 4 years. I don't know why I'm posting this....

I'm tired of fighting..

I'm tired of haveing to fight with insurance companys to get services that doctors say he needs.

I'm tired of fighting with my father in law about trying to do what's best for Mike and not for him.

I'm tired of explaining whats "wrong" with Mike to others. Who's to say theres not something wrong with the rest of us and he's "normal". (Note: I DO NOT mind answering questions, especially from those who really want to know, but those who don't give a damn and are just being noseie really piss me off.)

I'm tired of people looking down on him or looking at me with pitty. I love my son and am proud of him, and every accomplishment he has made.

Most of all I'm tired of being mad at myself for not being able to carry him full term. Unless you've delivered early, you have NO IDEA of how I am feeling so please don't tell me you do. I know you mean well, and I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but you don't know, you never will.

So there you go. A blog is a public diary, and this is a common entry in my privet diary, so I fiqured I would put it out there for the rest of the world.

You know, when I delivered Mike, a number of ladys I went/go to church with where pregnent. We where all due within a few months of each other. I actually thanked God that I was the one that went early. Others had only a certain amount of maternity leave, or other children at home. I was able to stay with Mike the whole 10 weeks he was at the hospital. He was my only focus.

Am I still thankful that this happened to me? Honestly, yes, even with the emotional bagage. I've made some AMAZING friends, meet some AMAZING doctors and support staff, been able to witness (both with words and actions) to more people than I can count, and most importantly, no matter how tired I am I have an AMAZING son.

Man it's hard to type through tears:(

The week in review...

So my week in review. (I love nap time:)

Last week Bob took a test so my focus was on giving him time to study.
Then Greg got sick.
I didn't get to the gym as often as I would have liked, still working on that Damn Girl body. (For those of you who don't know I've been working out for a month now, and am happy with the results I've been seeing.)
Greg was better over the weekend, so we went to church on Sunday.
Church was interesting and gave me a lot to think about. (refer to previous blog)
Greg got sick again, he must be teething or something:(
I made it to the gym this morning, and then home and then back to Athens for speech therapy.

Coming up...
Wed. Mike has school and I will be going on the feild trip with him. Bowling and then to McDonalds. It should be interesting. 20 preschoolers bowling:) I'm a bit scared. (Greg is going too.)

Thurs. Athens at the butt crack of dawn to work out then to Pomeroy to get cleaned up and then to Marietta for physical therapy. Back to Athens to pick Greg up, but wait, this week I have a meeting Thurs. night so we are staying in Athens all afternoon. SCRAPBOOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fri. A normal day but that evening SJW and I are going to Columbus. Didn't get the hotel I wanted:( I hope the one I did get is ok. Leaving the kids and hubbys home. Everyone needs a night out. I'm not sure what we are going to get into that evening, but I think we will do some shoping on Sat. before coming home.

Sat. I need to get to the gym sometime.... Other than that who knows....

Will you? Will I?

The sermon this morning set my mind to thinking...
Will I (really) devor the "Word of GOD"?
Will I accept the good with the bad?
Will I take it to heart, word for word?
Will I spend the time needed to meditate on scripture?
If it was important to Jesus it should be important to me, BUT is it?
What if I don't like what it shows me about myself? About a friend? About a family member? How will I respond to it?
What changes in my life will it create? Will I like the changes? (I'm pretty happy with the way my life is right now.)
Will others like the changes it produces or think I'm being a jerk?
The YABUT factor is way up right now and the answers are all in here, I'm just a bit of a chicken.

Looking back....Looking ahead......

From time to time I look back from where I have come to where I am. It helps put where I want to get to in focus. Looking back I was a self centered teen and although physically ready to be married at 20, mentally, I still had a lot of growing up to do. There was no way I could have handled Mike and his disabilitys at 23, when I really wanted to be pregnent. I'm not sure I did that great at 26, but I did the best I could. It gets easier as time goes on. I think I may have rushed into getting pregnent with Greg, but wouldn't trade either of them for anything. So that being said, where do I go from here? I'm happy (for the most part) with two kids. I love my husband and sons more than words can say.

These are my issues right now...
Why do I want to go back to school?
What's my motivation?
Is it to honor God or to make myself more important?
Does it matter to my kids at 2 am if the mommy they cry out for is a geneticist or just plane old Thea?
Will it matter as they get older?
As I get older?

(OK so I'm not so in focus yet!) Any input, from anyone, on this would be helpful. Thanks.

I've been paying attention....

Ok, heres proof that I've been paying attention in church. Last night I had a dream I was being crucified, but they couldn't drop the cross into the hole untill the angry mob gathered. As I was being led to the cross, which oddly enough was placed in the middle of the kids garden at the east state st. park, I was asked to renounce my beliefe in God, and I would be let go. Not doing it, I was given a straw hat (to keep the sun out of my eyes) that was lined with thorns to wear, and was strung up. All my "church friends" where rounded up to see me killed, and like I said there was an angry mob too. (I know I have weird dreams, way to vivid. This is why I can't watch horor movies.) There was more detail, but.......