I'm tired....

Ok, so I had an interesting experience yesterday. It's not the first time,or the last I'm sure, but I'm always surprised at how it affects me. I would hope to be over it by now, but I guess not. (note: I am not placing blame on anyone for anything.)

So the boys and I where at Ginas yesterday afternoon, our kids love to play together. Stephen, Patricia and Greg all went running outside to play. Well, Mike just lost it. He was upset that they had left him in the house. I had to put his braces on, which takes time, and then get his walker out of the car and set up, which takes time. Needless to say 10 minutes later, Mike is ready to join the rest of the kids. The kids didn't realize that Mike was upset, and I'm not mad at anyone (but myself, but that's a different story), I just thought I would be over the emotional rollercoster that goes with having a "special" child after almost 4 years. I don't know why I'm posting this....

I'm tired of fighting..

I'm tired of haveing to fight with insurance companys to get services that doctors say he needs.

I'm tired of fighting with my father in law about trying to do what's best for Mike and not for him.

I'm tired of explaining whats "wrong" with Mike to others. Who's to say theres not something wrong with the rest of us and he's "normal". (Note: I DO NOT mind answering questions, especially from those who really want to know, but those who don't give a damn and are just being noseie really piss me off.)

I'm tired of people looking down on him or looking at me with pitty. I love my son and am proud of him, and every accomplishment he has made.

Most of all I'm tired of being mad at myself for not being able to carry him full term. Unless you've delivered early, you have NO IDEA of how I am feeling so please don't tell me you do. I know you mean well, and I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but you don't know, you never will.

So there you go. A blog is a public diary, and this is a common entry in my privet diary, so I fiqured I would put it out there for the rest of the world.

You know, when I delivered Mike, a number of ladys I went/go to church with where pregnent. We where all due within a few months of each other. I actually thanked God that I was the one that went early. Others had only a certain amount of maternity leave, or other children at home. I was able to stay with Mike the whole 10 weeks he was at the hospital. He was my only focus.

Am I still thankful that this happened to me? Honestly, yes, even with the emotional bagage. I've made some AMAZING friends, meet some AMAZING doctors and support staff, been able to witness (both with words and actions) to more people than I can count, and most importantly, no matter how tired I am I have an AMAZING son.

Man it's hard to type through tears:(