Goodbye Puppywoof!

Lady

1994-July 27, 2009

Eyes full of love and patience. Never a hash sound uttered from your lips. Friend to all you met, and you never met a stranger. Trusted with secrets you took to your grave. Mother to all the cats in the house. Licker of tears. Wagger of tails. Runner in the sand and water. Roller in dead fish.

Puppy woof, horrid gaurd dog. Since you never met a stranger, you let anyone and everyone in the house. You took everything in stride. Made many trips to Grandmas to stay while the folks went on trips. Joined them on a number of trips yourself. Let the young children, of the children you helped raise, pull on your ears and tail, all without complaint. Puppy woof, Lady, Mutt (said with affection) you will be missed. The house will be quiet. The children will wonder what happened to you. This trip will be odd, with out you there. A member of our family will be missing. It is fitting that you died in peace, since you brought peace with you whereever you went . Lady, I will miss you! Love Dorothea

Today!

I was really dreading the trip to Columbus today, but it turned out really well. I called Bob, and asked him to join Mike and I and he did. We talked all the way to Columbus. There's something to being stuck in the same car for two hours that forces you to talk. It was great! We purchased a tent instead of staying in a rental. In effect saving us between 2 and 3 hundred dollars. Good think since this has been a financially difficult week. Greg ended up in the ER last week, for an infection, and on Monday he broke his collar bone. Monday was an all day ordeal. Today proved to be an all afternoon ordeal, but like I said it was good. Greg turned 3 on Sunday! It has been a good week!

A blast from my past/ so you think you know me.

So you think you know me. Well hold on, you have no idea who I am. I am not the same person, I was 6 weeks ago. Hell, I'm not the same person, I was 6 days ago.

I'm jaded, and will be the first to admit it.

I've asked questions only to get no answers, or worse to be made to feel stupid for asking them.

My prioritys have shifted, and although I care what the outside world thinks, I care what I and my family think more.

I've lost "friends" and made new ones.

I've never cheated on my husband, although, I've thought about it a time or two.

(So has he, and if your honest with yourself so have you!)

I"m not a nag.

I'm a work in progress, who's I'm not sure.

I wonder if it's better to stand in the sand and let it shift around you or to stand on a rock, but never make any progress? (Forwards or backwards.)

I wonder how such "educated" people can be such idiots. (Not all, but a fair amount.)

I wonder if I'm an idiot for not being more educated?

I wonder how to handle ignorance twords Mike and my family.

I wonder if I'm a good enough wife?

I wonder if I'm a good enough mother?

I wonder if my voice is loud enough, or is it to loud?

I wonder if, if I'm honest with myself or believing a lie?

I wonder why, I am blessed? cursed? or just given the opertunity to raise a "special needs" child?

I wonder why I can write all this down, but not verbalize it?

I wonder why I am, not unhappy, but certainly not happy with the way I look?

I wonder what I would look like with purple highlights in my hair?

I wonder why the "sinners" have more fun?

I wonder if I've become a "sinner"? (Using the term loosely.)

I wonder what I would do with two normal children?

I wonder if I'm the reason Mike was born early? (I mean, if I had....)

I wonder what I'm to do with the rest of my life?

How am I going to be remembered?

What are people going to think about the life I've lived?

Do I care?

Should I care?

My prayer these days, "Lord let me live one day longer than Mike. Let him know that we his parents are always here for him. Let me not put Greg on a back burnner. "

Be it wrong or right, I wonder why the "outside" world not only accepts Mike (and therefore the rest of our family) but does things to make his attending easier, while the "religious" have a hard time with his handicaps? Not Mike as a person, but the use of a walker, the lack of communication, and the stigma surrounding handicaps in general. They are afraid to ask questions, and therefor seem indifferent about him, a serious turn off for me. At one time I was very active in church. I'm not sure really why, but I felt like it was something I had to do to be a "good" christian. These days, not so much.

Know what, I'm kinda ok with that at the moment.

I wonder, does that make me a back sliden heathen?

I wonder why I'm back to the should I care question?

A public thank you.

Tammie,

I want to publiclly thank you for e-mailing Bob yesterday and mentioning that you where concerned for me. I know that it put you in a difficult position, but I appreciate you doing for me what I was unable to do for myself. Letting Bob know what was going on in my mind, simply by suggesting he read my blog. I realize it took you out of your comfort zone. Thank you for being willing to step out of it for my sake. You are without a doubt a blessing to me, and I am lucky to be able to say you are my mother in law.

Thank you!

Yesterday...

Yesterday started out well, but went down hill from the time I put my feet on the ground till the time Bob walked in the door.

1. Had to take both boys to Merietta. CHECK
2. Had to take the long way due to constrution. CHECK
3. Had to get BK for breakfast. CHECK
4. Went birthday shoping for Greg. CHECK
5. Hit a little brown bird. CHECK
6. Delt with two cranky kids in the KIA. CHECK
7. Went to the farm and put the egg box in a smelly sticky liquid of some sort. CHECK
8. Proceded to get said liquid on my arms and shirt. CHECK
9. Came home, and started two pots of water boiling. Half CHECK
10. Turned on two burners, on stove top. CHECK
11. Went to move one pan that was on cold burner to the one infront of it which was hot. CHECK
12. Burn hand on before mentioned pan's handle. CHECK
13. Give up on cooking hot dogs and microwave them instead. CHECK
14. Make mac-n-cheese on stove top, one handed, while holding bag of ice in other hand. CHECK
15. Fall into countertop after putting pan back on stove. CHECK
16. Instant migrain and dizzy spell that made me sick to my stomach. CHECK
17. Managed to get both boys in their beds, and my self in mine. CHECK
18. Woke up at 4 (ish) and called asked Bob to come home and deal with the evening stuff. CHECK

Thankfully, I have an understanding husband, who knows that these spells are not made up. I would give anything to be rid of them for the rest of my life, but like my bi-polar they are a part of me and I am able to deal with them. As long as I have the opertunity to go lay down. They come on with little to no warning, and I am greatful that it came on after I had got home. They are crippling. If you've experienced them you know what I mean, if not, I hope you never do.

Answers...

Paul: No one cares? Really?
So is it the time you spend? Is it that it is constant? Help me to understand a bit.

It feels as if no one cares. I feel as if no one understands, or tries to understand, the constant struggle we have in dealing with even the simplist tasks with Mike. It's both the time and the fact that it's ALL THE TIME!!! It's the small things like having him walk around outside, and the bigger things like potty training, using a untensal properly, or bigger things yet, like schedualling all the different doctors apointments, and making sure he gets the medications he needs when he needs them. It's the looks when we go out to eat and he uses his hands, or we go to the pool and he uses his walker. It's the comments people say, "don't play with him, you'll catch what he has", "I'm glad I'm not like him". (Yes, I've heard both from ADULTS!!!)

Christi: It's hard to believe you could actually feel that way, much less post it. I guess we all need an outlet, but to repeat what Paul said, "No one cares? Really?" Not being judgemental here. Every parent gets stressed. But this seems like more.

Why is it so hard to believe I could feel this way? I'm not the "super woman" people think I am. My blog, and my life are open if people want to look at them. The problem is most people don't really want to look at them. They are satisfied by the "me" on the outside, and don't go any deeper than that. I try to be transparent. I ask honest questions, and give honest answers.

It is more, I know that. I was reciently diagnosed Bi-polar. We are in the middle of working out MY meds. I was (mentally) normal before kids. Post pardaum after Mike and it's steadly spiraled after Greg. Stress, is an understatement. I live in a constant state of stressed out. Some days are better than others, but the day I wrote the previous blog was a bad day. Thus the comment 'Recently Bob asked me if I would feel this way if we had two "normal" children? My answer then as well as now is "Yes." I love my kids, because that's what a "good mother" does, but I find them to be an ancore that I can't get rid of.' The hormonal imbalance that pregnancy caused in my body is agraviating at best and emotionally devistating at worst. Thus, my ancore. I will never mentally be the same as I was pre-pregnancy, and I not only morn for my son's (both of them) and their lost "normal" childhoods, but for my own losses (mentally & emotionally).

Janni: When I see Thea I see:

One of the most interesting and talented people I know. She is a creative soul with a great eye for seeing the beauty around her and creating from that inspiration.

Creative out of necessaty. You can't just go out and purchase the bulk of stuff that will make Mikes life easier, and by defalt mine.

A young woman with determination
and grit and enough gumption( yes I used the word gumption) to fight for what she believes in.

If I don't fight, no one else will. I can't ask others to get their hands dirty unless I'm willing to do the same. The bulk of the population is not willing or interested in getting involved in the things that will make Mikes life better.

She believes in fighting for the underdog and doing the right thing even when it may not be the best thing for herself. This is called valor, a most honorable and admirable quality

Mike IS the underdog, always will be. So, again, I have no choice but to fight. I just get so tired of having to fight for EVERYTHING! I wish things came as easily for him as they do for other children. But they don't. Therefore, I fight.

Thea is an individual struggling in a difficult world to define herself. You will find in life that your individuality changes not by the day or week but by the hour and the experiences that come with living. Every life is a work in progress.

I'm tired of struggling. I just want to be done. I'm tired of being a work in progress. Even if that means that I am no longer breathing. I just want to be done. Would I kill myself, no, but if I where to die in a car crash or while I was asleep, I wouldn't mind. It would be fitting to die in pain, since the past few yrs. of my life have been lived in them.

Thea is a GOOD person and that is what God wants us to aspire to, he does not expect perfection. God just needs to know we are all out there slugging away at being GOOD people.

How good a person wishes she would just die? To leave everything and everyone she loves behind to try and pick up the peices? How good a person, screams at her children because they AREN'T able to do something? (not that they don't want to do it, but physically can't.) How good a person, wants to walk away from her family and friends, to never be seen or heard from again?

Bob is the husband of and Michael and Gregory are the sons of Thea.

We all love you Thea and we do all care and we can talk any time.

I know that I am loved, regardless of my emotions, but to talk, out loud, about this is to raw. It moves me to tears just typing it. I could never get through a conversaiton.

Janni

So there you have it, good, bad or indifferent, those are my answers. My struggles are my own, and they make up who I am, but damn it!!! I am tired of everything being a struggle!!! I will never have the opertunity to just send Mike off to school, I'm the only one who will make sure he gets the therapys he needs while he's there. I will never have the opertunity for Greg to be a "normal" child. He's always going to be know as the boy who's brother is a cripple. I will never have the opertunity to just sit back and relax at the ball field and watch my sons play ball, or at the playground, watch them play on the swing w/o assistance, or go down a slide. Things that people take for granted.

Interesting that not one of you, or anyone else said a word about my relatinship with my husband. I don't want to screw him over like that, but to say I haven't thought long and hard about it would be a lie. Like I said, something has to change and change soon, or that will be my only option.

Interesting indeed. To answer your unasked question, "Would I actually leave my husband?" I don't know. Do I want to? No, but... Again, I'm tired! I'm ready for someone else to take over for a while.

FYI...

FYI...

Life is NOT getting easier.

Dealing with a special needs child is NOT getting easier.

I feel lied to.

I want a "get out of this shit free" pass.

At this moment, I want to walk away.

Something HAS to change and change soon.

I'm unsure how much more I can take.

I love my family, but HATE my situation.

Recently Bob asked me if I would feel this way if we had two "normal" children?

My answer then as well as now is "Yes."

I love my kids, because that's what a "good mother" does, but I find them to be an ancore that I can't get rid of.

To walk away and take them with me is NOT an option.

Bob is better able to take care of their needs.

To walk away with out them, is unfair to Bob.

I don't want to screw him over like that, but to say I haven't thought long and hard about it would be a lie.

Like I said, something has to change and change soon, or that will be my only option.

This is NOT where I wanted to be in then years when I was 20.

This is NOT what I signd up for, and this is NOT what I want to deal with for the next however many years.

Ironically, NO ONE ELSE CARES!!!

this week...

Things I've discovered this week.

1. I hate taking two kids to Childrens Hospital by myself.

2. Driving in the rain sucks!

3. My kia will do 90 in the rain, but you can't see out the window.

4. I can drive to Kalamazoo, w/o kids takes 6 hrs. w/ kids takes 8.

5. Sleeping on the floor SUCKS!!!

6. Two days is a long time to be away from my husband.

7. Traveling with 2 kids on my own sucks!