Nerves...

I love to travel, but the trip tomorrow has be a bit nervous. I'm totally unprepared for our trip to Nashville. I haven't started packing and am in fact still doing laundry. NOT how I wanted to feel the day before we leave. This past week and weekend has been a bit crazy with Christmas, and my folks coming in yesterday, then spending all day today out at my mother in laws. Not that I haven't had fun, but I've poorly managed my time and will pay heavily tomorrow. I just hope I don't forget anything. Oh well if I do we are in a BIG city! Till the next yr. Ta Ta...

Christmas Spirit...

This year I am having the hardest time getting in the Christmas spirit. I have purchased the gifts, and wrapped most of them. But I just don't feel like celebrating Christmas this year.

I feel similar to how I felt in 2004 and 2005. The tree is up, and lit, but w/o any decorations on it. That's as much decorating as I'm going to do this year. I'm sure looking back on photos, I'll regret it, but right now, I don't care. The kids are happy, and Bob is happy with it, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Merry Christmas!!

Normal?

I'm home with two little boys. They are in the back bed room screaming at each other and laughing. Is this normal?

Sat. Dec. 5th. Bob sr. took our family and Christies family to Columbus for a play. I was a bit nervous because once you go to big boy undies there's no going back to pull ups for ANYTHING!!! Mike did great! No accidents at all. (Of course I had two extra sets of clothing on hand for him just in case.) Both boys sat for almost two hours and watched a Christmas performance that was amazing!! In many ways the performance reminded me of my fav. years of my child hood. It also reaffirmed in me my desire to get to know God again. While walking in the hall way, Mike made friends with two different little girls. One who was deft, and one who was in the performance as a dancer. Both had fun playing with him. And he had fun flirting with them :) He is definitely part Keyser!

After the performance, and dinner with the family, Bob and I took the boys to a CP Parents support group Christmas party in Columbus. It was really cool to meet so many different family's from different backgrounds that have all been united by the devastation that is CP. The two families I really talked with had twins, but because of complications with the pregnancy had to deliver early, both lost one of the twins. They spent a lot more time at Children's than we did. I was able to talk with them about doctors, therapy's, procedures, and insurance, they not only understood, they where able to help. I've asked that the parents who have had SDR's done on their children contact me. There are two in the group!!! I'm so relieved and happy to find a community that understands my son, and accepts him without bias!!! Now if it was only closer to home :(

(Once again, I was reminded of how much easier life would be if we lived near a BIG city!!!)

Sunday the 6th, Bob and I dedicated the day to staying home! We played with the kids, and after we laid them down for the night, I lit the tree, and Bob set it up. There are 200 bulbs per section on the tree and 11 sections for the tree so there are over 1000 bulbs lighting up our Christmas tree this year. I think that I'm not going to put any decorations on the tree at all, just the lights and the topper! It's so pretty! Finally the Christmas spirit is upon me! (Now it's snowing!!! Could it get any better?) Daily, I watch my sons grow! Mike didn't have any accidents at all on this day! None!!! He was playing on the floor in the living room and asked me for help, actually asked. "Mommy 'elp." Then when I had helped him with the train track, he said " 'hank you". His first "Thank you". It was AMAZING!!! Greg went to the grocery store with me, and he pushed his shopping cart around and put groceries in it. We went to Powell's here in town, and they have kid carts. He loves it.

Monday the 7th. is just beginning , but I think it's going to be a great day.

Thea

What do you get when you mix PMS and GPS?

I love Maxine…

What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you!!!!!!

As the yr. comes to an end...

2009 will prove to be an interesting year. Full of ups and downs, of that I have no doubt. Jan. 1, 2009

As the year is coming to an end, I've spent some time this evening looking over the past yrs. blogs It's made me smile, laugh out loud, and cry more than I would have liked.

Smile to see where my boys, husband and I have come from in so many ways.

Laugh out loud to remeber some of the things my children have said and done through out the year. (IE: Penis BIG- Greg/ 2009) I wish I had written more of it down. There are little things you think you'll remember but then life gets busy and you forget.

Cry, because I saw just how low I had gotten. Wow, I can't believe there was actually a time when I was so frustrated that I was seriously thinking of leaving my husband. Thank you Tammie for stepping in, and calling him. I know it was difficult, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate you stepping out of your comfort zone for me. I can't believe how stressed out I have been this year. I know it's true, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget... But looking back at it, it's been a rough year. I can't believe how far I've fallen, and who's been there to help me back up. Not the people I would have expected at this time last yr. I don't remember making new friends, it seems like I've know them for years. I don't remember loosing old friends, it seems like they've been gone forever, or where never really there to begin with.

As I get older, I realize just how little I really understand. I realize that, in that, I'm not alone. I'm a hard person to understand. Thank you to all who actually take the time to get to know me, and understand what I say and how I mean it. (Usually, the two don't seem to go hand in hand!)

On Jan. 3rd. I asked for prayer. I said my life was out of balance. Well, it still is and looking back over this past yrs. blogs, I haven't done ANYTHING to change that. In fact, I've just gotten madder and madder at God. What has it gotten me? A more bitter heart is all. I'm tired of being bitter. I'm tired of fighting, but I'm scared shit less, to fall into Gods arms. If I want the joy I've lost, I realize that's my only choice. But saying it and doing it are two different things.

Avarage of one a day....

Day 5 with big boy undies and so far he's averaged an accident a day. Sat. none, Sunday two, Monday one (at the post office), Tues. none, Wend. two at school. So we are getting there. The up side is that he LOVES his big boy undies and wears them all day, except nap time.

Now if we could just get Greg interested....

Big boy undies...

Today is day two for Mike to be in big boy undies. So far we've had 3 accidents in two days, but at least one today was caused by my un-attentiveness. There was one yesterday, and two today. However, yesterday we went to a friends house and where constantly asking him to go potty, and today we went to Tammie and Jans, and Bob was outside, I was inside with them the bulk of the day. Needless to say it was productive, but a bit stressful. Tomorrow will be better, and there's no going back to pull ups for Mike. Of course this means I have two full extra changes of clothing with me at all times, but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes, and that's what I'm willing to do.

Black Friday...

Black Friday!!!! This is the first yr. I went shopping at the break of dawn on black Friday. I only went to one store, and the lot was FULL. While walking in I was really questioning my sanity. There wasn't a single cart in the store when I walked in. I actually went out and found a cart pusher in the parking lot and asked for one of his 2 carts, then began my shopping. I made a game plan earlier in the week, and checked to make sure the "deals" I was interested in where actually good deals. I'm glad I did. I found one item that I wanted to purchase, that was listed as a deal, but it was the normal price. An oversight by the company, I'm sure ;) Anyway, I got my in-laws totally done, my mom, Bob, both boys and even remembered eggs and cinnamen rolls, for breakfast. It was a crazy morning, but a good one.

Wish me luck...

My life is full of contradiction.

I realize this, but hope that putting it out there in the public viewing realm, I may be able to become more steady in the way I think, act and behave. Basically, I'm not particularly happy with the way I'm living my life right now, and am striving to again find the joy and peace I seem to have lost. Wish me luck :)

Mike and Greg...

I never cease to be amazed by my children.

This past weekend, my niece celebrated her 13th. birthday with a pool party. At this party, BOTH my boys decided that swimming on their own was a good idea. This isn't really a new thing, but I still find it an amazing thing. The coolest part was when Greg was encouraging Mike, and cheering him on. I am so proud of the fact that Greg has compassion, and is proud when Mike does a good job. Don't get me wrong they are still boys. They fight, hit, bite and kick each other some times. But when they are good, encouraging to each other, and playing nicely together.... Those are the times I'm glad there's two of them.

Today, while going up the stairs for nap time. (Yes, they both still take naps.) Greg climbed the steps like Mike. Then when he made it to the top, he encouraged Mike, and came back down to where Mike was and started up again. Just like Mike. It was so cool.

I hope that Greg will always find joy in celebrating Mikes achievement, and I hope that Mike will find joy in celebrating Greg's.

Life isn't fair...

Life isn't fair.

This is an accepted statement, but the past two days have just reinforced this for me. Last night, Bob and I went to Columbus to a CP Parents meeting, and while there, saw a woman who has a daughter who has much more server CP than Mike. As if this wasn't enough, she herself was visially challenged. What is the purpose of that? What was God thinking?

Then today, I find out that a friends child who has DD issues has been diagnosed with lukema and is in Childrens Hospital in Columbus undergoing chemo. She's strong and so is her son, but comeon!! Why? Where is God?

Yes, I am blaming God. He's all powerful, and could step in at any minute and stop all the shit that's going on, but yet he doesn't. Why? (Seriously, I'm looking for answers here not just venting.) I just don't understand anymore. The more I open my eyes and look around, the more I wonder who's in charge, and where are they?

Fear is a funny thing...

Have you ever been parilized by fear? The fear of doing or saying the wrong thing? The fear of talking to much or not enough? The fear of being the one in the group that everyone tolerates although no one really likes? I live with these fears and so many more every day. I'm constantly afraid. Afraid to make a wrong decision, mainly when it comes to my family. Afraid to upset someone I care about. I know I can have this "to hell with your feelings attitude" but that's not really who I am. Afraid to care to much, to love to deep, to be to honest... To do something that is looked on as stupid. To be "the straw that breaks the camels back" as it where.

Fear is a straing thing. It can take the joy right out of a person, and fill them with dispare. For me; it sends me in a downward spiral, and I usually realize it, and am able to stop it before I go to far. Usually.

For some time now, Bob and I have been looking at having a procedure done on Mike that is fairly routine, but scarey still the same. My fears are many, and weigh heavy on my heart, and mind. What if it's uncusseful? Nothing changes, but we suffer disapointment AGAIN!!! What if something goes wrong and he ends up worse off than he is now? How would my family react to him if he was in a wheelchair? Lost his ability to speak? Was suddenly, mentally, a two yr. old again? How would I react? I want to say I could handle it but, in all honesty, I don't know. How will we cover the costs? Surgery, therapy, staying out of town for so long? How can I schedule this and plan for Bob to be out of town for two weeks? The summer only has so many weeks in it...

What about Greg? So often I feel he gets shorted. He's "normal" so my fears aren't the same for him. I have the "typical" mom fears for him... You know the "what if" he gets a girl pregnant, or "what if" he decides to do something really dumb. Nothing that's really major in the grand scheme of things. Certainly, not something that his father and I are considering doing to him that there is a chance, be it ever so small, that he could die from it,like with Mike. Don't get me wrong I have the same "mom" fears with Mike, but there are more pressing fears to deal with. I actually don't mind my fears as much with Greg because they are the "normal" fears. Therefore they are easier to deal with.

Well, I am going to stop rambling now. Good night!

Nothin!!

I've got nothin!

Wow, it's quiet!!

Silence is a funny thing. Today, my house is silent. The only sounds I hear are cars on the high way and the clock above me ticking. Odd, how quiet a house can get when there is only myself in it. Off to take my first undisturbed shower in a number of years then clean a little without children under foot. Wish me luck!

Michael is 5

Today is Michaels birthday. He is 5. I'm not sure I'm ready to look at him like a little boy yet, but realize that I don't have a choice. He is so indipendant, strong, and loving. I look at him and wonder what if... But to live in a "what if" world, makes me miss the one he's in. So that is something I need to quite doing.

Last night, we had a pool party for him. As soon as he hit the water, he was off. The ONLY time he wanted to be held on to was when he was either jumping in the pool, or being thrown around. Other than that, he was swimming on his own. He was (is) amazing. I realized last night that although there are things he may never do, there are things he will do better than anyone else can. Now the task set before me is to give him every opertunity to succed in any and all areas he can. It is a daunting, but wonderful task.

Today my son turns 5! The time has flown by. Seems like just yesterday I was wondering if he was going to make it through the night, and now, I'm wondering how I'm going to keep up with him. It is a good change.

I grip and bitch about parenting a lot, and still honestly don't know that I would do it again if I could change the past, but there are moments that melt your heart. When Mike says "love you", or gives you a kiss. When Greg says, "Mommys tiggy" (mommys silly) Stuff like that. I don't know... Kids are in a league all their own.

5 yrs. has gone so fast...

Wow, 5 yrs. has gone so fast.

5 years ago, my family was still realing with the divorce of my in-laws.

5 yrs. ago, my life was "normal" in an everyday meaning.

5 yrs. ago, I didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl.

5 yrs. ago, I was still planning a large family, that I was going to homeschool!

5 yrs. ago, I felt as though I could concore the world.

Today, Sept. 2, 2009

Today, my famiy not only has gotten over the shock, we accept the divorce, and all involved with loving arms.

Today, my life is a different kind of "normal". Certainally not the "normal' the bulk of the population lives with, but "normal" for my family.

Today, I have two wonderful sons.

Today, I would still like to have a large family, but physically can't, and don't think homeschooling is all it's cracked up to be.

Today, I know I can concore the world, but it's going to take time, and I'll do it the same way you eat an elephant, one bite at a time!

Today, I make the cupcakes to celebrate Mikes 5 th birthday, which is in two days. Wow, how 5 yrs. has flown by.

Home?

I love going home to Michigan.

I love the water, the beaches.

I love the family, the history that my family has there.

I love the sun sets over the lake.

I love the fact that I can swim in the lake and not worry about something stinging or biting me.

But is it "home"?

I mean, it will always have a place in my heart, but is it home?

Is it the place I feel comfortable?

Is it the place I want to spend forever?

Is it the place where employment that my husband enjoys is located?

No, not at this time. Maybe later in life, but right here, right now, this is home.

This is the place of comfort, the place where Bob has a job he loves. The place where Mike can recieve the services needed. If I could change one thing about where we live, it would be the education system. What was good enough for our generation IS NOT good enough for our children. But, at this moment in our lives, here is where we'll stay so HERE is where I will work to make my sons education the best it can be.

It's in the air...

There's something about being back in Michigan. It's the people, it's the beach, the availabilty of lakes, it's the familiarity of it. In Michigan, people work hard, but they play hard too. I've never seen boats and ski resorts advertised in the same mile of highway any other place I've lived. They are proud of being from Michigan. The fact that the "o" sounds more like an "a" doesn't phase them when they talk. They know what upers are, and how to understand them. The roads (for the most part) are layed out in a grid patteren. The highways run north and south and east and west. Not spoking out from a central location. The summer is amazing and the winters are WHITE!!! At least untill the dog goes out side.

I realize that Bob has a good job, and we aren't planning on moving, but there's something in the air up here. Once you come, you'll be back.

Horizon- by: Teri Olund

Horizon

Look out into the horizon

What is it that you see?

A place where the sun

Melts into the trees

A place wherere the sky

Becomes the see

A place for new beginnings

A place where it ends

It is a vast mountain

Snow-capped white

It is the day solely fading to night

It is boundless in dreams

No boundaries will you find

If you should follow it

You will surely travel forever...

The dreaded job hunt is on...

Ok, so I'm not a lazy person. Not by a long shot, but I have a delema. I need to get a flexable job. A job that allows me to work 3 days a week, and take long breaks around the holidays and summer, due to school scheduals. I have no problem working, as long as I can keep my family first. I don't want to put my kids in daycare while I'm at work. I've been able to avoid it for the past 5 years, I don't want to start now. Plus what's the point in working if all or even half my salery goes to paying for daycare? It's to get ahead on the bills and pay off the back debt. Maybe even help twords paying down our morgage. Who knows. I'm not picky, I'll flip burgers if it means that I'm able to take the time off that is needed. But what about the summer? I NEED a job that will allow me to take the summer off. Maybe a part time seasonal job is what I need? I don't know. A job that allowed me to work from home would be GREAT, but I'm not sure where to start looking for one. UGH.... The dreaded job hunt begins...

planning...

I'm in the mist of planning our trip to Michigan. I always look forward to Michigan. I miss the sand and water. I miss the snow, and most of all I miss my family.

Goodbye Puppywoof!

Lady

1994-July 27, 2009

Eyes full of love and patience. Never a hash sound uttered from your lips. Friend to all you met, and you never met a stranger. Trusted with secrets you took to your grave. Mother to all the cats in the house. Licker of tears. Wagger of tails. Runner in the sand and water. Roller in dead fish.

Puppy woof, horrid gaurd dog. Since you never met a stranger, you let anyone and everyone in the house. You took everything in stride. Made many trips to Grandmas to stay while the folks went on trips. Joined them on a number of trips yourself. Let the young children, of the children you helped raise, pull on your ears and tail, all without complaint. Puppy woof, Lady, Mutt (said with affection) you will be missed. The house will be quiet. The children will wonder what happened to you. This trip will be odd, with out you there. A member of our family will be missing. It is fitting that you died in peace, since you brought peace with you whereever you went . Lady, I will miss you! Love Dorothea

Today!

I was really dreading the trip to Columbus today, but it turned out really well. I called Bob, and asked him to join Mike and I and he did. We talked all the way to Columbus. There's something to being stuck in the same car for two hours that forces you to talk. It was great! We purchased a tent instead of staying in a rental. In effect saving us between 2 and 3 hundred dollars. Good think since this has been a financially difficult week. Greg ended up in the ER last week, for an infection, and on Monday he broke his collar bone. Monday was an all day ordeal. Today proved to be an all afternoon ordeal, but like I said it was good. Greg turned 3 on Sunday! It has been a good week!

A blast from my past/ so you think you know me.

So you think you know me. Well hold on, you have no idea who I am. I am not the same person, I was 6 weeks ago. Hell, I'm not the same person, I was 6 days ago.

I'm jaded, and will be the first to admit it.

I've asked questions only to get no answers, or worse to be made to feel stupid for asking them.

My prioritys have shifted, and although I care what the outside world thinks, I care what I and my family think more.

I've lost "friends" and made new ones.

I've never cheated on my husband, although, I've thought about it a time or two.

(So has he, and if your honest with yourself so have you!)

I"m not a nag.

I'm a work in progress, who's I'm not sure.

I wonder if it's better to stand in the sand and let it shift around you or to stand on a rock, but never make any progress? (Forwards or backwards.)

I wonder how such "educated" people can be such idiots. (Not all, but a fair amount.)

I wonder if I'm an idiot for not being more educated?

I wonder how to handle ignorance twords Mike and my family.

I wonder if I'm a good enough wife?

I wonder if I'm a good enough mother?

I wonder if my voice is loud enough, or is it to loud?

I wonder if, if I'm honest with myself or believing a lie?

I wonder why, I am blessed? cursed? or just given the opertunity to raise a "special needs" child?

I wonder why I can write all this down, but not verbalize it?

I wonder why I am, not unhappy, but certainly not happy with the way I look?

I wonder what I would look like with purple highlights in my hair?

I wonder why the "sinners" have more fun?

I wonder if I've become a "sinner"? (Using the term loosely.)

I wonder what I would do with two normal children?

I wonder if I'm the reason Mike was born early? (I mean, if I had....)

I wonder what I'm to do with the rest of my life?

How am I going to be remembered?

What are people going to think about the life I've lived?

Do I care?

Should I care?

My prayer these days, "Lord let me live one day longer than Mike. Let him know that we his parents are always here for him. Let me not put Greg on a back burnner. "

Be it wrong or right, I wonder why the "outside" world not only accepts Mike (and therefore the rest of our family) but does things to make his attending easier, while the "religious" have a hard time with his handicaps? Not Mike as a person, but the use of a walker, the lack of communication, and the stigma surrounding handicaps in general. They are afraid to ask questions, and therefor seem indifferent about him, a serious turn off for me. At one time I was very active in church. I'm not sure really why, but I felt like it was something I had to do to be a "good" christian. These days, not so much.

Know what, I'm kinda ok with that at the moment.

I wonder, does that make me a back sliden heathen?

I wonder why I'm back to the should I care question?

A public thank you.

Tammie,

I want to publiclly thank you for e-mailing Bob yesterday and mentioning that you where concerned for me. I know that it put you in a difficult position, but I appreciate you doing for me what I was unable to do for myself. Letting Bob know what was going on in my mind, simply by suggesting he read my blog. I realize it took you out of your comfort zone. Thank you for being willing to step out of it for my sake. You are without a doubt a blessing to me, and I am lucky to be able to say you are my mother in law.

Thank you!

Yesterday...

Yesterday started out well, but went down hill from the time I put my feet on the ground till the time Bob walked in the door.

1. Had to take both boys to Merietta. CHECK
2. Had to take the long way due to constrution. CHECK
3. Had to get BK for breakfast. CHECK
4. Went birthday shoping for Greg. CHECK
5. Hit a little brown bird. CHECK
6. Delt with two cranky kids in the KIA. CHECK
7. Went to the farm and put the egg box in a smelly sticky liquid of some sort. CHECK
8. Proceded to get said liquid on my arms and shirt. CHECK
9. Came home, and started two pots of water boiling. Half CHECK
10. Turned on two burners, on stove top. CHECK
11. Went to move one pan that was on cold burner to the one infront of it which was hot. CHECK
12. Burn hand on before mentioned pan's handle. CHECK
13. Give up on cooking hot dogs and microwave them instead. CHECK
14. Make mac-n-cheese on stove top, one handed, while holding bag of ice in other hand. CHECK
15. Fall into countertop after putting pan back on stove. CHECK
16. Instant migrain and dizzy spell that made me sick to my stomach. CHECK
17. Managed to get both boys in their beds, and my self in mine. CHECK
18. Woke up at 4 (ish) and called asked Bob to come home and deal with the evening stuff. CHECK

Thankfully, I have an understanding husband, who knows that these spells are not made up. I would give anything to be rid of them for the rest of my life, but like my bi-polar they are a part of me and I am able to deal with them. As long as I have the opertunity to go lay down. They come on with little to no warning, and I am greatful that it came on after I had got home. They are crippling. If you've experienced them you know what I mean, if not, I hope you never do.

Answers...

Paul: No one cares? Really?
So is it the time you spend? Is it that it is constant? Help me to understand a bit.

It feels as if no one cares. I feel as if no one understands, or tries to understand, the constant struggle we have in dealing with even the simplist tasks with Mike. It's both the time and the fact that it's ALL THE TIME!!! It's the small things like having him walk around outside, and the bigger things like potty training, using a untensal properly, or bigger things yet, like schedualling all the different doctors apointments, and making sure he gets the medications he needs when he needs them. It's the looks when we go out to eat and he uses his hands, or we go to the pool and he uses his walker. It's the comments people say, "don't play with him, you'll catch what he has", "I'm glad I'm not like him". (Yes, I've heard both from ADULTS!!!)

Christi: It's hard to believe you could actually feel that way, much less post it. I guess we all need an outlet, but to repeat what Paul said, "No one cares? Really?" Not being judgemental here. Every parent gets stressed. But this seems like more.

Why is it so hard to believe I could feel this way? I'm not the "super woman" people think I am. My blog, and my life are open if people want to look at them. The problem is most people don't really want to look at them. They are satisfied by the "me" on the outside, and don't go any deeper than that. I try to be transparent. I ask honest questions, and give honest answers.

It is more, I know that. I was reciently diagnosed Bi-polar. We are in the middle of working out MY meds. I was (mentally) normal before kids. Post pardaum after Mike and it's steadly spiraled after Greg. Stress, is an understatement. I live in a constant state of stressed out. Some days are better than others, but the day I wrote the previous blog was a bad day. Thus the comment 'Recently Bob asked me if I would feel this way if we had two "normal" children? My answer then as well as now is "Yes." I love my kids, because that's what a "good mother" does, but I find them to be an ancore that I can't get rid of.' The hormonal imbalance that pregnancy caused in my body is agraviating at best and emotionally devistating at worst. Thus, my ancore. I will never mentally be the same as I was pre-pregnancy, and I not only morn for my son's (both of them) and their lost "normal" childhoods, but for my own losses (mentally & emotionally).

Janni: When I see Thea I see:

One of the most interesting and talented people I know. She is a creative soul with a great eye for seeing the beauty around her and creating from that inspiration.

Creative out of necessaty. You can't just go out and purchase the bulk of stuff that will make Mikes life easier, and by defalt mine.

A young woman with determination
and grit and enough gumption( yes I used the word gumption) to fight for what she believes in.

If I don't fight, no one else will. I can't ask others to get their hands dirty unless I'm willing to do the same. The bulk of the population is not willing or interested in getting involved in the things that will make Mikes life better.

She believes in fighting for the underdog and doing the right thing even when it may not be the best thing for herself. This is called valor, a most honorable and admirable quality

Mike IS the underdog, always will be. So, again, I have no choice but to fight. I just get so tired of having to fight for EVERYTHING! I wish things came as easily for him as they do for other children. But they don't. Therefore, I fight.

Thea is an individual struggling in a difficult world to define herself. You will find in life that your individuality changes not by the day or week but by the hour and the experiences that come with living. Every life is a work in progress.

I'm tired of struggling. I just want to be done. I'm tired of being a work in progress. Even if that means that I am no longer breathing. I just want to be done. Would I kill myself, no, but if I where to die in a car crash or while I was asleep, I wouldn't mind. It would be fitting to die in pain, since the past few yrs. of my life have been lived in them.

Thea is a GOOD person and that is what God wants us to aspire to, he does not expect perfection. God just needs to know we are all out there slugging away at being GOOD people.

How good a person wishes she would just die? To leave everything and everyone she loves behind to try and pick up the peices? How good a person, screams at her children because they AREN'T able to do something? (not that they don't want to do it, but physically can't.) How good a person, wants to walk away from her family and friends, to never be seen or heard from again?

Bob is the husband of and Michael and Gregory are the sons of Thea.

We all love you Thea and we do all care and we can talk any time.

I know that I am loved, regardless of my emotions, but to talk, out loud, about this is to raw. It moves me to tears just typing it. I could never get through a conversaiton.

Janni

So there you have it, good, bad or indifferent, those are my answers. My struggles are my own, and they make up who I am, but damn it!!! I am tired of everything being a struggle!!! I will never have the opertunity to just send Mike off to school, I'm the only one who will make sure he gets the therapys he needs while he's there. I will never have the opertunity for Greg to be a "normal" child. He's always going to be know as the boy who's brother is a cripple. I will never have the opertunity to just sit back and relax at the ball field and watch my sons play ball, or at the playground, watch them play on the swing w/o assistance, or go down a slide. Things that people take for granted.

Interesting that not one of you, or anyone else said a word about my relatinship with my husband. I don't want to screw him over like that, but to say I haven't thought long and hard about it would be a lie. Like I said, something has to change and change soon, or that will be my only option.

Interesting indeed. To answer your unasked question, "Would I actually leave my husband?" I don't know. Do I want to? No, but... Again, I'm tired! I'm ready for someone else to take over for a while.

FYI...

FYI...

Life is NOT getting easier.

Dealing with a special needs child is NOT getting easier.

I feel lied to.

I want a "get out of this shit free" pass.

At this moment, I want to walk away.

Something HAS to change and change soon.

I'm unsure how much more I can take.

I love my family, but HATE my situation.

Recently Bob asked me if I would feel this way if we had two "normal" children?

My answer then as well as now is "Yes."

I love my kids, because that's what a "good mother" does, but I find them to be an ancore that I can't get rid of.

To walk away and take them with me is NOT an option.

Bob is better able to take care of their needs.

To walk away with out them, is unfair to Bob.

I don't want to screw him over like that, but to say I haven't thought long and hard about it would be a lie.

Like I said, something has to change and change soon, or that will be my only option.

This is NOT where I wanted to be in then years when I was 20.

This is NOT what I signd up for, and this is NOT what I want to deal with for the next however many years.

Ironically, NO ONE ELSE CARES!!!

this week...

Things I've discovered this week.

1. I hate taking two kids to Childrens Hospital by myself.

2. Driving in the rain sucks!

3. My kia will do 90 in the rain, but you can't see out the window.

4. I can drive to Kalamazoo, w/o kids takes 6 hrs. w/ kids takes 8.

5. Sleeping on the floor SUCKS!!!

6. Two days is a long time to be away from my husband.

7. Traveling with 2 kids on my own sucks!

You think you know me...

So you think you know me. Well hold on, you have no idea who I am. I am not the same person, I was 6 weeks ago. Hell, I'm not the same person, I was 6 days ago.

I'm jaded, and will be the first to admit it.

I've asked questions only to get no answers, or worse to be made to feel stupid for asking them.

My prioritys have shifted, and although I care what the outside world thinks, I care what I and my family think more.

I've lost "friends" and made new ones.

I've never cheated on my husband, although, I've thought about it a time or two.

(So has he, and if your honest with yourself so have you!)

I"m not a nag.

I'm a work in progress, who's I'm not sure.

I wonder if it's better to stand in the sand and let it shift around you or to stand on a rock, but never make any progress? (Forwards or backwards.)

I wonder how such "educated" people can be such idiots. (Not all, but a fair amount.)

I wonder if I'm an idiot for not being more educated?

I wonder how to handle ignorance twords Mike and my family.

I wonder if I'm a good enough wife?

I wonder if I'm a good enough mother?

I wonder if my voice is loud enough, or is it to loud?

I wonder if, if I'm honest with myself or believing a lie?

I wonder why, I am blessed? cursed? or just given the opertunity to raise a "special needs" child?

I wonder why I can write all this down, but not verbalize it?

I wonder why I am, not unhappy, but certainly not happy with the way I look?

I wonder what I would look like with purple highlights in my hair?

I wonder why the "sinners" have more fun?

I wonder if I've become a "sinner"? (Using the term loosely.)

I wonder what I would do with two normal children?

I wonder if I'm the reason Mike was born early? (I mean, if I had....)

I wonder what I'm to do with the rest of my life?

How am I going to be remembered?

What are people going to think about the life I've lived?

Do I care?

Should I care?

My prayer these days, "Lord let me live one day longer than Mike. Let him know that we his parents are always here for him. Let me not put Greg on a back burnner. "

Be it wrong or right, I wonder why the "outside" world not only accepts Mike (and therefore the rest of our family) but does things to make his attending easier, while the "religious" have a hard time with his handicaps? Not Mike as a person, but the use of a walker, the lack of communication, and the stigma surrounding handicaps in general. They are afraid to ask questions, and therefor seem indifferent about him, a serious turn off for me. At one time I was very active in church. I'm not sure really why, but I felt like it was something I had to do to be a "good" christian. These days, not so much.

Know what, I'm kinda ok with that at the moment.

I wonder, does that make me a back sliden heathen?

I wonder why I'm back to the should I care question?

The last day of school...

Today is the last day of school for this year.  With this day comes a number of changes.  

Mike will move into a different class next year, with different students.  I have requested that one class mate join him in the new class, and I'm sure others will too, but it's still going to be a big change this fall. Greg will be joining Mike in school next fall.  He will be going into the class Mike is leaving.  

I have really enjoyed Miss. Paula and her class staff.  They have treated Mike with respect, and let him grow into the little boy he is.  They have guided his development, and been open and honest with Bob and I.  They have always given me the ability to contact them with any concerns.  For that I am and will ever be greatful.  I hope others are as lucky as I have been to find teachers and school staff that put the children first.  

This is my public Thank you to Miss. Paula, Miss. Deanna, Miss. Heather, and Kay Davis, both Susans, the other Kay, Bob, Dave, and the theropists.  Your work to make Mikes education fun, and practical, means more to me than words could ever say.  

THANK YOU!!!

Today...

Today has been a good day and a sad day all in one. This morning Tammie, Bob, Greg and I (along with a number of other proud parents, grandparents, and siblings) went to the awards ceremony at Carelton School.  The gym was done up in red, white and blue.  It was really nice.  Upon walking into the gym, there where bleachers, and a chair with a photo of a little boy (12 yrs. ols) and a fern next to the photo.  This stoped me in my tracks because this is the same little boy who was at Childrens Hospital for an infection.  Before starting the cermonie, Kay Davis, had the unfortinate job of informing us that this child died last week.  He was medically fragle, non verbal, and used a wheelchair for motivating around the school.  Dispite all this, or maybe because of all this, he was a happy child who, although, nonverbal, could melt your heart with a smile.  You had no choice but to smile back, no matter how bad your day was going.  I only had the pleasure of meeting this young man twice, but...  

Today brought it home for me.  Our children are medically different. No matter how much I want Mike to be like all the other children, Mike is different.  This is not an easy thing to think, much less put into words on a public forum.  Will he ever go to a "normal" public school?  I have no idea.  He has to pure a spirit, I fear for his emotional well being.  I fear for the day he realizes that someone has rejected him, because of his differences.  I know it will happen, and I will be the one to comfort him.  I'm his mom, how could I not?

This combined with the struggles I've been having lately about weither we did the right thing, by doing everything medically nessacarey to keep him alive.  Lets just say that it makes for  an internal battle that I don't have the ability to win, although, I will continue to fight. 

Hum...

Things that make you go hummmm....  

There are a number of things in the news lately that make me wonder what is wrong with our world.  Why would a father kill his family and himself after loosing his job?   A quadriplegic child dead and put in a trash bag.  Good men dying at war and in peace.  Abandonment of every kind. 

Killing, murder, death, distruction, fire, receding ice caps, and other kinds of natural desastors?  I'm really beging to wonder about the end of the world in 2012 thing.  How much longer can this go on? 

That being said, how do I feel about it?  I'm still having issues with God.  

I guess I'll just continue as I always have, one day at a time.  One foot infront of the other. 

All I want to know is,

WHAT DO YOU WANT???????????????????????????????????

Is it that obvious that the kids are driving me a bit crazy?

Before I was a mom...

Before I was a mom, I was ...

an employee, bringing home a pay check,

a college studen,  studying to make my mark on the word,

focused, on the future, 

more uptight, the little things stressed me out,

messy, but it was split between Bob and I and our dogs,

and lived in a quiet house, often compared to a libary.

Since I have become a mom, I am...

an employee, but get paid in hugs and kisses,

a studen, but my education is now more rewarding,

focused, but no longer on myself, 

more relaxed, after going through all we did, it takes quite a bit to get me uptight, 

just as messy, but now it's split between 4 instead of two, 

and live in a quiet house between the hours of 9pm and 6 am. from 7am-8:30 pm the house is NOT quiet.  

And I wouldn't have it anyother way!

Live and Learn...

Things I've learned this week...

1.  Friendships go two ways.

2.  Dinner will get done eventually.

3.  NEVER wake a sleeping baby.

4.  Line dried towles are stiff.

5.  My boys LOVE to irritate the dog.

6.  My boys LIVE to irritate each other.

7.  Greg can sleep in a big boy bed without falling out.

8.  You need more than 3 fitted sheets for two twin size beds.

9.  Six sounds a lot like tits, when said by a two yr. old.

10.  Greg, (in his words) has a penis big.

11.  When hanging your cloths out to dry it is helpful if you are not down wind from a brush fire.  

12.  God does love me, even when I'm not so sure about Him.

13.  Sometimes the closest friends are the ones thousands of miles away.

14.  Workingout in the evening is just as effective as working out in the morning.

15.  Take all the cloths in off the line before going to bed.

16.  I need to be better organized when it comes to the big stuff.

17.  Even at 15 cents a peice 248 photos still cost almost $50.00.

18.  Squrals get crazy during mating season.

19.  Potty training is hard work.

20.  Last but not least, I married a great man.

big boy bed

Today is a big day for Greg.  He has upgraded from a toddler bed to a "big boy" bed.  (AKA a twin)

I am amazed at how fast he is growing.  His vocabulary is expanding daily.  He's our little mocking bird right now, and although it is cute (he says "oh snap), it is a bit scary.   He climbs the stairs and does all sorts of crazy two year old things.  He always wants to go to any playground around, and loves to play with Bo and Titus.  It's so cute.  

Correct me if I'm wrong...

(Prepare yourselves, I'm about to rant.)

So our church is doing this "week of solidarity" thing.  Your suppost to spend the week living on a food budget of two dollars a day.  I think that number is high, but for this "week" that is what the "poor" of the world live on.  Let's stop right there!  Poor, what exactly does that mean?  From Dictionary.com

Poor

    [poor]  Show IPA adjective, -er, -est, noun

–adjective

1.	having little or no money, goods, or other means of support: a poor family living on welfare.

2.	Law. dependent upon charity or public support.

3.	(of a country, institution, etc.) meagerly supplied or endowed with resources or funds.

4.	characterized by or showing poverty.

5.	deficient or lacking in something specified: a region poor in mineral deposits.

6.	faulty or inferior, as in construction: poor workmanship.

7.	deficient in desirable ingredients, qualities, or the like: poor soil.

8.	excessively lean or emaciated, as cattle.

9.	of an inferior, inadequate, or unsatisfactory kind: poor health.

10.	lacking in skill, ability, or training: a poor cook.

11.	deficient in moral excellence; cowardly, abject, or mean.

12.	scanty, meager, or paltry in amount or number: a poor audience.

13.	humble; modest: They shared their poor meal with a stranger.

14.

unfortunate; hapless: The poor dog was limping. Ok, so now we understand the word we are throwing around.   Correct my math if I am wrong.  I feed my family of 4 for $450.00/month.  That doesn't include detergents and soaps and stuff this is just food.   $450.00 / 30days= $15.00 per day (for a family of 4) $15.00/ 4 mouths= $3.75 per day per person.   Is this easy, not by any strech of the imagination, but it is do-able.  Yah, we eat a lot of beans, rice, eggs, and the like, and imagn this WE LIKE THEM!!!  But we are not starving by any means.  With proper planning, and useing coupons, shopping at save-a-lot and the like we are able eat comfortably.   Do I consider myself poor?  No-and here is why.  I have friends, and family, a roof over my head, children that I love to spend time with, and a husband I love with all my heart (and I knwo he loves me too).   We live a comfortable life.   If you really want to live a "week of solidarity".  Try moving into the tent city in Athens in January, with only a coat.  No sleeping bag, no creature comforts.  Then talk about being able to relate to the "poor" in our community.